Q&A: How to cope with loss and grief during holidays in a pandemic

Waterloo region entered a nearly month-long lockdown on Saturday, which means no large gatherings with friends and loved ones over the holiday season.

Stricter measures may be especially difficult for people grieving a loss during the pandemic.Religious services, including funerals and weddings, are limited to 10 people indoors or outdoors.

Melina Pearson is an outreach coordinator with the Bereaved Families of Ontario Midwestern Region, which serves Waterloo and Wellington areas.

She spoke to Craig Norris, host of CBC Kitchener-Waterloo'sThe Morning Edition,about how to cope with loss and grief this time of year.

The following interview has been edited for length and clarity.

Craig Norris: What have you heard from the people accessing your service about how COVID-19 might be affecting people's ability to mourn the loss of a loved one?

Melina Pearson:People are feeling much more isolated, disconnected and alone. Some people are feeling really guilty, particularly if they've experienced a death during the pandemic because they weren't able to be there, hold the hand or be present for them when the person was dying.

People are feeling ... the ability to have a funeral or a celebration of life wasn't possible. And some people have decided to postpone it and do a memorial event later down the road, which has led them to believe they do not know if they have the right to even grieve this time.

Norris: What can friends and family do to help, especially now because we can't offer a hug or we can't see one another in person?

Pearson:I think what's really important is that not to forget that this person is still grieving. No, we can't do the typical things and we can't go out and reach out and hug them, but we can call them, we can email them, we can send a text. We can write a card.

I think that we need to get more practical, perhaps even dropping off a thing of groceries at their door. Just be present and listen to them and let them share how they're feeling if they want to have a conversation.

Norris: What should people say?

Pearson:[You should] say their name. The most beautiful gift people ever gave me when my parents died with say their name. I love to hear it. I loved when people shared it because it really did honour that they mattered and their life was valued.

I think it's OK not to know what to say. And I think it's OK to say, 'I am so sorry or I don't know what to say, but I'm here to listen.' Or if you really didn't know the person ... say, 'Can you tell me something about your loved one?' I think it's just more important to not try to silver line it and give them suggestions of 'You can get over this, be strong.'

Norris: If families want to remember someone they've lost over the holidays, what is your advice?

Pearson:Perhaps you might consider having a virtual dinner together and you can bring a favourite memory or favourite picture of the person. If you want to do a memorial gift or donation in their honour, or perhaps you want to collect something that reminded you of that and you can donate that to some local charity.

Just remember, things changed and today things are very, very different. But it won't be the same forever. And that's so true with grief, particularly during a pandemic.