Lives that changed in an instant when their loved ones were killed Aug. 10, 2018

Jackie McLean celebrated her late partner Robb Costello's 46th birthday by ordering toast at the Diplomat Restaurant in Fredericton.

It was a ritual the 20-year police veteran followed after almost every late shift for the Fredericton Police Force.

Today, McLean is facing the one-year anniversary of the shootings that left Costello dead, along withConst. Sara Burns and civilians Donnie Robichaud and Bobbie Lee Wright.

"My life changed so dramatically in an instant," said McLean, who wears a purple, heart-shaped pendant around her neck that contains some of Costello's ashes.

'I miss him so badly'

Whenthe shooting began Aug. 10 at an apartmentcomplex on the north side of the city, some people were forced tobarricadethemselves inside their homes.

Costello and Burns were the first officers to answer the call for help.

"I really struggle day to day with building a life that doesn't include Robb," said McLean. "I miss him so badly."

That meant a Christmas without decorations, because Costello was the one who always hung the lights outside, summers without tubing along the Nashwaak River, and no long road trips. It's just not the same without him.

The couple were inseparable for six years, after their first date at Second Cup, which lasted more than four hours. One colleague joked that whenever McLean walked into a room, Costello would look at her like Wile E. Coyote looks at the Road Runner in a Looney Tunes cartoon.

Costello was the man of her dreams.

"It was the first time in my life that I felt unconditionally loved," she said."It's a great feeling and it's horrible to be robbed of that."

Heroes never die and Robb was certainly a hero to me.- Jackie McLean

Her life without Costello has brought post-traumatic stress disorder, she said.

She wakes up in the middle of the night, has a fuzzy sense of time and sheds many tears.

She's been trying to replace her feelings of sadness with strength, a trait of Costello's.

"I don't think he would've chosen somebody who couldn't survive something like this."

And in the midst of her heartache, McLean forces herself to remember Costello died doing what he loved: policing and protecting his community.

"Heroes never die and Robb was certainly a hero to me," she said.

Seems like yesterday

Before his death, Donnie Robichaud placed a single red rose inside a suitcase he had packed for a weekend getaway. He was planning to give it to his new girlfriend, Bobbie Lee Wright, during a surprise trip.

They diedbefore he had the chance.

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"He really cared a lot for her," said Tammy White, Robichaud's older sister.

The couple were heading to a concert in the Centreville area, where they planned tostay at a local cottage and go zip-lining.

They miss their dad really bad. Donnie was everything to them.- Tammy White

The night before, Robichaud wentto borrow some cash from his mother, Jean Robichaud, at her home in Marysvillearea of Fredericton. He alsowanted to introduceher to Wright.

Robichaud,42, was very close to his mom.

"She talked to him every day and he was always coming over with his bike,"said White, referring to her brother'sHarley-Davidson motorcycle.

The family has been devastated by Robichaud's death.

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"God's brought us through a lot of it, Mom and I," she said. "If it wasn't for Him, we wouldn't know what to do."

White never had the chance to meet her brother's new girlfriend, but she knew they were happy together.

"I still have a hard time knowing that it's been a year," she said. "It seems [like] yesterday to us."

A future police officer

White said Robichaud'stwo sons,Draiden, 16,and Zakkery, 18, have struggled since the shootings.

Draiden has decided he wants to become a police officer to help others.

"They miss their dad really bad. Donnie was everything to them."

Over the past year, the hardest part has been accepting Robichaud's death and moving past some of the questions.

"We're always wondering, was it instant? Did he suffer? We always have those thoughts in our heads," White said.

It's also lonely.

White misses her brother's smile, his jokes and his love of music. Robichaud, a musician, playedbass guitar in different bands in the city.

At her home in Burtts Corner, White often sits in a rocking chair and gazes up at a painting of her brother a gift from a family friend. She believes her brother iswatching over her.

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"He would take the shirt off his back and give it to you in a minute."

Both Robichaud and Wright's families have become closer since the shootings.

"I don't think he'll ever be forgotten."

A poem for a lifelong friend

Sarah Myshrallsaid she moved away from her hometown of Woodstock because it only brings back memories of her friend Bobbie Lee Wright. They met in the Carleton County town 10 years ago.

"When anybody loses someone, it kind of takes a toll on your soul and it's taken a toll on mine," said Myshrall.

She suffers from depression and writes poetry to honour her lifelong friend anything to distract herself from remembering that Wright is no longer around.

"A piece of my heart went with her that day," she said.

Wright was fun, had a great sense of humour and refused to judge anyone, Myshrall said.

"She looked through you to see the person you were."

A text that never comes

Wright, who was 32 when she died, loved to dance and cook,sometimes concocting pizza after a night out with the girls. She was in the early stages of a relationship with Robichaud. She dreamed of having children someday.

"That was taken from her and that makes me angry," said Myshrall.

She was a one-of-a-kind friend.- Sarah Myshrall

Myshrallhas cried a lot since her friend's death.

Sometimes it's hard to get out of bed or muster the energy to eat because Wright and her family are never far from her mind.

I just want to pick up the phone and call her or text her or message her and see when the next time [is that] we're getting together," she said.

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"I don't get any of those times anymore."

Myshrall said she's grateful people are remembering Wright and celebrating her life on the one-year anniversary of the shooting.

"It means that she's not put on the back burner and nobody will remember her."

When people remember Wright,it encourages Myshrallto keep pushing forward.

"She was a one of a kind friend."

A Mother's Day without Mom

In a text message onMother's Day, Steve Burns's middle son thanked every woman in his life who had helped support him and his family since his mom's death.

Malcolm's mother was Const. Sara Burns. Shejoined the Fredericton Police Force in 2016 but previously served as an auxiliary officer for two years.

Steve is grateful for the support he and his three sons have received from friends over the past year.

Sarah, 43,was his best friend.

"I certainly have my moments, but I have a very core group of friends that are extremely supportive to me," he said.

"And I have lots of cries and they support me in a way that I just wouldn't be able to go about."

When he's out in the community, Burns said, people often feel compelled to say something about his wife.

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"I had a lady one day in a card store, she broke down in tears in front of me. And I didn't know what to do. But it's comforting, too, because people just care."

Although Aug. 10 is an important date to recognize, he doesn't plan to commemorate it. He'll be spending the day in private, because Sara was a private person.

Instead, he celebrated his late wife's birthday at home in early July, when family and friends shared stories and memories of her.

Living through all 'the firsts'

Steve and Sara weremarried for more than 25 years and her death has been difficult.

"I've gone through a year now of the everybody says going through the firsts so her birthday and our anniversary," he said.

Those are the things that bring back the memories and stuff. Good memories."

At his wife's funeral last year, Stevespoke fondly of her love for dragonflies, travelling, online shopping. She loved being a mother to her three boys.

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But shealso had a passion working as a police officer and taking care of others.

"Her whole life was about helping people."