The Instant Expert: From grease to goo, stains are a pain!

Stains are a pain. Plain and simple.

They always seem to get on that one thing that you love to wear. When that happens, I "SHOUT" and nothing comes out, except for a few curse words.

A few (in)famous stains

There are stains from history that are famous. Well, maybe the word is infamous, butthey all tell us stories.

The stain on the blue dress tells us of a philandering president of the United States. The other stains stuck in my memoryare the blood stains on Jackie Kennedy's strawberry pink wool boucl Chanel suit fromNov.22, 1963. It was the day John F. Kennedy was assassinated and she was streaked in blood from her pillbox hat to her legs.

Later that day when Lyndon Johnson was being sworn in, Jackie still wore the suit.

Several people asked Mrs. Kennedy whether she would like to change her suit but she said no. Lady Bird Johnson offered to send someone to help her change and she responded:

"Oh, no... I want them to see what they have done to Jack."

She said she had no regrets about wearing the dress into the next day, and she only wished shehad washed the streaks of blood off her face before Johnson was sworn in. The suit, which was never cleaned, is now kept out of public view in an acid-free container in a windowless room. The precise location is kept secret and will be out of the public view until 2031.

I think the only story that my stains tell are that I eat too fast or I can't hit my mouth for love or money.

What the heck did you spill?!

I wish I could say, here's this fabulous product that will take away any offensive stain that might land on your clothes. It's just not so.

There are so many factors that can affect a stain and how it's removed.

Is the stain fresh? Sometimes a new stain can be lifted off or even rinsed out if treated quickly.

Has the stain set or become bonded to the material that it's stained? I have an iron that I don't clean after doing crafty sticky things and whatever I iron next, that crafty gunk bondsto my shirt andsets. And I have a new rag for my rag bag!

What type of material has the stain landed on? You know, a pair of jeans orsilk shirt will have two different stain removal stories.

But perhaps the most important story here is, what the heck did you spill on yourself? Is it fruit juice or oil? Is your stain made up of more than one staining component?

Word on stain street is that hot chocolate is a devil to get out. It's made up of protein, sugar, fat and tannins and each of those will have to be taken out a different way.

A little chemistry lesson

Stain removers work purely on chemistry and there are a range of different molecules in stain removers and detergents that help to shift the grease, dirt and stain.

With as many stains as you can imagine, there are manydifferent substances used to remove them.

Surfactants are the chemicals that cut grease. This is what some of our our dishwashing detergents have in them. Remember the Exxon Valdezdisaster ? And the television ads of volunteers cleaning oil off of seabirds with Dawn dish detergent?

Dawn has the reputation of being a strong cleaner with the gentle touch,originally designed to erase grease from dishes without harming your hands stuck in the dishwater.

And while itsexact formula is like Colonel Sandersfried chicken recipe, a closely guarded secret, the key lies in balancing the surfactants the grease-cutting chemicals.

Not to be indelicate but Dawn is great for grease and I've read also for skid marks in your drawers. I never thought I would write a sentence with those words in my lifetime.

Like dissolves like

There are removers that "eat the stain" with oxidizing agents likeperoxide, chlorine bleach and borax.

Lately, my saving grace has been absorbents. An absorbentis baby powder or cornstarch, and you can use this on food grease stains. I shake it over the greasy dribble and then let it sit overnight. In the morning, or whenever I remember, I toss it into the washing machine. I am beginning to wonder, am I missing my mouth more orjust eating more greasy foods? I'm no scientist but I think it's the two in combination.

Something you should remember is "like dissolves like". If a stain is made of a hydrocarbon, you remove it with a hydrocarbon solvent, like gasoline or even Lestoil.

Wash that item a few times after you've treated it or you'll smell like a gas bar or a pine air freshener.

And back to Dawn for a second and something the company doesn'tadvertise aboutone-seventh of Dawn comes from petroleum. It'sone of the secrets as to why it's so effective on grease. Like dissolves like!

If your stain comes from a fatty substance like butter or chocolate, it will need to be removed with an organic solvent.

The dirt on dry cleaning

The word solvent means a substance capable of dissolving other substances. That's basically how dry cleaning works.

I wanted to chat with someone who knew his stains, soI went to Custom Dry Cleaners on Mundy Pond Road in St. John'sand met with a very dapper tailor and owner, John Kufudi. In May month hecelebratesbeing in the laundry biz for 20 years.

He tells me that the worstthing you can do for a stain isto try to wash it out, let it dry, and then try toremove it.

He also told me that the worst stain for clothes is curry and mustard. And if it's something that you really love or have sentimental attachment to, you should take it to a professional. He says they can get out just about anything.

Out,damn spot! 14 tips

1. The earlier you catch it, the easier it is to get out. If you throw the stained garment into the laundry and forget about the stain, or put the clothing through the wash without treating the spot, it'll be a heck of a lot harder to get rid of it.

2. Blot the stain gently. Do not rub it to get it out. If you do.you'regrinding that stain deep into the fibres and it willbe there for forever and a day.

3. Don't work a stain too hard. I have this great top and I worked at getting that stain out so hard that I now have a top with a hole in it. I can't wear it now and have a rag that makes me cry everytime I look at it.

4. Lipstick on your collar:take a piece of white bread, wad it up and dab it on the lipstick. Do not eat the bread!

5. Fruit juice spill:take off the stained garment and pour boiling water over it.

6. A cuppastains: coffee, or tea. Please tell me you've caught this one quickly. There are tannins in coffee and tea that can make removal very difficult. Gently blot out as much liquid as you can and run the stain under cold water immediately afterward. Put the item to soak in cold water for a few hours. If the stain hasn't lifted, sponge it gently with liquid detergent, soak it again, and then wash it as you usually do.

7. A cuppa with cream:cream has a fair bit of oil in it,so this is a two-level stain. Again, first blot out as much liquid as possible anddo the liquid detergent bit.After sponging that away, hit it with chalk, an absorbent to remove the grease. Repeat if necessary.

8. Take the permanency out of a permanent marker: take hand sanitizer and dab it dry.

9. Ink-stained wretch:take a little bit of Crest toothpasteand machine-wash your garment.

10. Now that's a bloody mess: you should act quickly on blood stains. You can remove with just some water and soap or hydrogen peroxide will eat that stain. If you are out at a restaurant, try cola. Or, you can soak a bloodstained item of clothing in a pot of cold salt for three to fourhours, rub the stain with liquid detergent, and throw it in the wash. If the police start to question you, remember I didn'tgive you any stain removal tips.

11. Grass stained:don't try ammonia, unless you are trying to set that stain in permanently. You can try two things. One ishandy dandy vinegar, orif you want to use something a little bit stronger, try rubbing alcohol. It will help to dissolvechlorophyll's green glow. Dab it into the whole stain, let it air dry, rinse with more rubbing alcohol and repeat. Then you can work some liquid dish soap into the stain and launder as usual. You can repeat this process until the stain is out.

12. Don't cry over spilled redwine:there are a few variations on removing red wine. Some say if you pour some white wine over it, the stain will be gone.

Others say as soon as you spill your wine, flush it with club soda or water. Blot out as much as you can and then sprinkle the stain with salt. The intelligence on this is that salt crystals will soak up the wine, thereby removing the worst of the staining properties. Launder as soon as you can.

13. Sloppy Joe: if you cannot find your mouth while eating, have I got something for you? Apre-stained shirt. The dirt pattern shirt comes pre-stained with all the greatest hits:red wine, bike-chain grease, grass stains, and other evidence of an active life. So if you add a little more red wine or some pizza sauce, no one will notice. Hmm, I wonder what sizes it comes in?

14. Don't forget!Do what Custom Dry Cleaners owner John Kufudi says:if it's something that is important to you or carries some sentimental value, please take it to a professional.

And remember, I only play a stain remover on the radio and web.