Looking for love in all the IRL places

For every promising tale of found love over the interwebs, there's a giant battlefield riddled with romantic casualties.

And for many singles aroundOttawa, occasional hits are no longer worth the emotional battle scars and cost of online and app-based dating.

Essentially, that's what brought Ellis Pederson to a battleground of a different kind: live action role-playing, also known as LARP. Ironically, it became the place where she ended up finding love.

"We build and construct these foam swords and we swing them at each other. There's spells, there's armour," she told Robyn Bresnahanon CBC's This is Ottawa podcast.

Listen to Ellis Pederson's full love story by clicking the link below:

Getting to that intimate place wasn't easy, saidPederson, who tried speed dating and other social sports before finding her matchFrancoisL'Ecuyer.

"He would message me on Facebook and say, 'You did really great, I can tell you're improving,'and that encouragement gave methe courage to open up to him," she said.

Their story highlights one of the advantages of finding a match in real life (IRL), so long asyou're gutsy enough to openthe door and takethat first step.

That's according to relationship coach and therapist Sue McGarvie, who blames the pandemic fornear-epidemic levels of loneliness.

She alsobelieves it started years before COVID-19 and places the blame on swipe-focused dating apps.

They're expensive, soul-crushing and accentuate looks over compatibility.- Sue McGarvie

"They're expensive, soul-crushing andaccentuate looks over compatibility," she said.

The apps arealso riddled with bots and scammersand that usually leads to prolonged disillusionment,saidMcGarvie, who is seeing a bump in relatively inexpensive and uplifting in-person gatherings.

"For men, [the dating scene]isa desert, and for women it's a swamp," she said.

The bombardment of unverified suitors has women on the defensiveand many men avoid approaching people for fear of being perceived as creepyor aggressive.

So there's a re-education underway that McGarvie wants to turn into something she calls a "love bubble" over the city.

"Women need to absolutelymake the first move in many ways, at least open the door at least express an interest," she said.

All it takes is the suggestion of a future coffee date or even springing for "datingcards" to hand people you're interested in getting to know better, she said.

Social events such as concerts and game nights take the pressure off of one-on-one dates as well, added McGarvie, who hosted an 80-person Super Bowl party that doubled as a dating mixer for her chosen clientele: the over-40 set.

In-person dating requires some 're-education'

What is dating etiquette? What do you wear? How do you communicate?

Ask yourself what it is that will make you "datable"and thenheed the research, saidMcGarvie.

For instance, if you're a woman who has determined she'll only date someone who's over sixfeet in height, and the average height of men in Canada is five-foot-ten, you're eliminating a whole lot of fish in an already limited sea of options.

Gatherings like McGarvie'sover-40 social groupsare expandingfor people of all ages, interests and sexual orientations. Her goalis to create communities for people to identify with and join.

'It's just connecting egos and people are not really finding meaningful connections [with dating apps].- Raymond Samuels, Ottawa Singles Weekend

That's also the idea behind the non-profit Ottawa International Food and Book Expo, which has added a slow dating component.

Itallows participants to really zero inon who and what they're looking for in a friend or partnerand attend mixers that place them in the same "party."

50-plus? There's a group for that. Vegan and queer? There's a group for that, too. You're a Muslim foodie who wants to meet other Muslim foodies? You're covered, according to Raymond Samuels, who operates the expo as well as Ottawa Singles Weekend, April 27-28 at the Horticulture Building at LansdownePark.

"After the pandemic a lot of people in particular experienced a sense of social alienation, a sense of isolationand a lack of connection with other people. So the slow dating evolved as a part of our community ethicand bringing people together in an alternative way not currently being offered by other dating events and activities," Samuels said.

That level of "customization"is something you don't get when you're judging a photo and bio on an app, or given 90 seconds to sell yourself in a speed dating environment, he said.

"In my experience, online dating started off with a certain amount of sincerity, but in the more contemporary form has become increasingly superficial. Increasingly, there's much more scamming going on, so-called catfishing going on where you don't even know who you're talking to or if the person presenting themselves is authentic or not,"saidSamuels, who has organized dating events and meetups for about 10 years.

"It's just connecting egos, and people are not really finding meaningful connections."

His advice for people looking to ditch the online appsin favour ofin-person activities: be yourself and get out there on yourown terms.

Once you've selected a fun and safe activity that meshes with your interests and personality, be open to communicating where you're at with the people you meet, whether it's making lasting friendships or meeting a long-term partner.

Both McGarvie and Samuelssuggest the more people you meet, the higher your chances at finding what it is and who it is you're looking for.

Ottawa Morning6:09Looking for love in all the IRL places

According to sex and relationship coach Sue McGarvie, Ottawa singles are dating like its the nineties again and preferring to meet up in person.