How you can learn to avoid falling for a jerk

Women at P.E.I.'s correctional centre in Miltonvale Park have been taking a course in handling relationship challenges called "How to Avoid Falling for a Jerk" and now you can too.

Coach Ann Visser will give a weekend workshop for the public on the topic, June 1 and 2 at the Grand Victorian weddings and events venue in Victoria-by-the-Sea, P.E.I.

"The girls respond so positively to this program first of all they love the title," said Visser. "They know exactly what that means they've been involved with men, or partners, who've been very hard on them, and difficult partners to live with.

When we're not used to being loved we don't even really know what that feels like. Ann Visser

"It's a part of their downward, repetitive cycle in their life and so dealing with those relationship challenges can help put them on an upward trend," Visser said.

Jerks come in both genders, she notes, but this workshop is for women only, 18 and over.

Who's a jerk?

"We all can act like a jerk from time to time," Visser said but there's a difference between sometimes acting like a jerk and being a jerk.

She defines a jerk as someone who has a persistent resistance to change, and doesn't see how their behaviour affects the people around them they miss or ignore cues that their behaviour has been hurtful.

"They also know how much they can get away with," Visser said."They push you and push you and push you, and they see you walking out the door and they're so sorry, and they're going to change." Kind-hearted people will often stay, expecting there will be change.

Some people are more likely to fall for jerks, Visser said.

"I think when we've had pain from the past that we haven't dealt with, I think we're more susceptible to being in a relationship with someone who doesn't treat us well," she said. "When we're not used to being loved we don't even really know what that feels like and we're uncomfortable."

How to attract healthy people

She teaches how to look for a healthy partner and how to attract healthy people to us.

Some of the characteristics to look for?

"A person has a sense that there are boundaries and it's OK for someone to say no to them," Visser said. "Their world doesn't fall apart when somebody else doesn't like what is happening ... there's a sense of conscience."

It's important to be curious about what may have hurt the other person and then treat them with respect and dignity, she said.

'Find more potential'

Visser has seen how the course has helped some incarcerated women make better relationship decisions.

"It enables us to find more potential," she said, referring to what she calls the 80-20 rule.

"When my relationship isn't going well, I spend 80 per cent of my time trying to work it out, and then I only have 20 per cent left over for other activities," Visser said. When relationships are functioning well, the reverse is true 80 per cent of one's time is free to fulfilpotential and serve and care for others.

The program has been written by John Van Epp, a California-based PhD and trainer who wrote a book called How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerkpublished in 2006. The course includes movie clips, small group activities, skits and a workbook.

The cost of the workshop is $199, but is being offered for $100 until May 4. For more information about the event or to register, check out 4better4ever.com.

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