What my post-partum body taught me: Point of View

I grew up not trusting my mirror.

Even as a 10-year-old, I had somehow internalized the idea that image is a currency, and how other people see you matters. I was a healthy and active kid, but I remember worrying, "I think I look OK, but how do other people see me?"

When I went to university, I desperately wanted to avoid the "freshman 15," so I started hitting the treadmill. I viewed myself as disciplined, while the fear behind my behaviour went unexamined.

In my early 20s I was working out three to four days a week despite a 40-minute commute each way to the gym and I was making 95 per centof my meals at home. I viewed myself as hard-working and healthy. Again, the fear behind my behaviours went unchecked.

I started to surround myself with peoplewho oozed self-confidence and placed a premium on inner beauty.

I saw my body as parts to be edited, and took selfies thinking, 'I'd be happy with my stomach if I lost five more pounds.'Kailea Switzer

I was happy and comfortable and I loosened my grip on some of my rulesfor exercise and meal prep. Between patio beers, a job that involved significant travel, and simply coming into my adult body, I gained five to 10 pounds.

I wasn't concerned about or really aware of the weight gain, until someone made a passing comment about it. I snapped right back into that 10-year-old kid looking in the mirror, except this time, the mirror was saying, "You don't look as good as you think you do, and the way you look is actually a problem."

'Am I small enough now?'

As I became determined to lose the weight, I became probably the unhealthiest I've ever been. I bought a scale, started counting calories and keeping a food log.

My dinner of choice was a plain chicken breast and broccoli. I quit the gym that offered the dance, weight training and yoga classes that I truly enjoyed and started long-distance running.

I bought smaller clothes, and yet never felt small enough. Despite the compliments I was receiving or maybe because of them a voice inside me constantly wondered, "Am I small enough now?"

I was measuring my health by the frequency and intensity of my workouts, how "clean" I was eating, and whether my efforts were being rewarded by a smaller dress size.

An impossible standard

My next move was to studycounselling. In doing so, I learned that my thoughts and behaviours often fell to the disordered and dysmorphic side of the spectrum. I started going to personal counselling and worked to heal some of these patterns.

I learned to exercise from a place of enjoyment and self-love, and to eat with a mindset of moderation, where nothing is considered bad or off limits.

I grew so much during this time, but I still had several blind spots. I saw my body as parts to be edited, and took selfies thinking, "I'd be happy with my stomach if I lost five more pounds."

I hated that I could prioritize my fitness with such consistent discipline high-intensity workouts five or six days per week, hours spent meal prepping, plus two hours of walking most days and still feel like my body didn't reflect my efforts.

I had made fitness such an intentional part of my life that it became part of my identity, and not being recognized for it made me feel unseen or perhaps, more accurately, made it feelunsafe to be seenas I was.

Finding freedom

And then we decided to have a baby.

Once my bump popped, it was freedom in my body like I'd never experienced. I worked out because I wanted to and with gentle loving care for my baby and myself. I ate what felt right and I was truly comfortable in my skin.

Even after giving birth, I was on a euphoric body high for about threemonths. I felt like I was in a judgment-free zone.

But after three months,I felt the pressure seep back in. The idea that I should have "bounced back" was constantly in my mind.

I had a wake-up call when I stumbled across an old picturefrom when I had been at the peak of my personal fitness. I had "achieved" my body goals at that time, but I still hadn't been satisfied.

I realized it was time for me to bring more self-love and self-acceptance into my life to help myself and to protect my daughter from my unhealthy beliefs. I went back to counselling.

What my post-partum body taught me

My counsellor asked me, "What actually is the goal of eating well and exercising?"

"To feel good on a daily basis and to promote long-term health whoa, I'm already succeeding at that!" I answered.

I had been so concerned about how having a baby would damage my body, but had never considered how it might heal me instead.

I hope my daughter will find joy in movement and not view exercise as a means to an end. I want her to relish her meals, with no caveat that they need to be worked off. I want her to practise self-kindness and self-compassion.

I want her to know her body is not a problem to be fixed, and that she is always enough, just as she is.

I want her to speak kindly to herself and about others, and recognize that no body type in the world is a ticket to inner peace. It is, and has always been, an inside job.

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