'I felt that I wasn't valued': In the wake of another OPP suicide, a former officer speaks out

At the north Toronto flower shop where she works today, Sheri Kewley doesn't have a pension. She makes a lot less than she did as a police officer.

But it's amongst the blooms and greenery that she finds her happiness now.

Kewley, a former officer with the Ontario Provincial Police, served with the force for 10 years and retired in 2006. Since then,suicide has claimed the lives of two of her fellow officers two too many.

Durivage, an OPP constable based at a west-endOttawa detachment, took his life this week, marking the 13th reported suicide of an active or retired member of the force since 2012. Kewley learned of his death Wednesday, when an email went out from the president of the union representingOPP members, the Ontario Provincial Police Association.

"I knew Roch when he came on the job. He was a rookie working at the detachment that I worked at. And he was such a solid guy. He'd come out of the military really smart, really humble always had a smile on his face... He didn't seem like the kind of person that would go through something like that."

'It's real'

But of course there is no one kind of person that struggles with mental health.

Kewley knows that firsthand.

Ten years ago, she says she would have never admitted she suffered from depression. But in the wake of yet another life lost to suicide,she's chosen to speak out now about what she says is a lack of support for people suffering inside the forceand a layer of upper management that she believes is out of touch with those struggles.

You are heroes in every sense of the word; however the burden you carry cannot and should not be shouldered alone.- Rob Jamieson, Ontario Provincial Police Association

"Not everyone, some are great. Some need to reflect on how they treat people," she said. "It's real. When someone thinks they're going to get shamed for saying, 'I'm not well and I need time off.' That's what results in people like Roch taking their lives."

At first, she resisted. But the feelings of worthlessness only grew when a position she applied for was given to someone she believes wasn't qualified for the job.

"Not getting that job somehow just made everything collapse on me," she said. That's when Kewley visited her doctor and was put on sick leave for three months.

Perception that those who help don't need it

Formally diagnosed with depression, Kewley was on therapy and medication, finally starting to feel better. But things only went downhill, she says, when she applied for a transfer within the force and a higher-ranking member suggested she was faking her illness.

"I felt that I wasn't valued. And my mental health and personal issues in relation to my jobthey weren't valued," she said.

Between the death, car accidents andfamily tragedies they respond to on a regular basis, being an officer is hard enough. "You always sort of see people at their worst," said Kewley.

"A lot of times, officers are afraid to speak up and say they're unwell because they don't want to risk not being able to get a transfer, not being able to get a promotion, because they've got that mark against them for being off."

It's a problem the OPP has vowed to look into. In August 2018, VinceHawkes, then-OPP commissioner,launched an internal review into officer suicidessomething they expect to complete this spring.

Review expected to be completed in spring

The union too acknowledges more needs to be done and says it's hoping to take tangible action towards a comprehensive mental health plan, the details of which will likely be announced within weeks, said Ontario Provincial Police Association President Rob Jamieson.

"We sacrifice ourselves piece by piece, in the name of keeping our communities safe," he said in a letter to members this week. "For that, you are heroes in every sense of the word; however the burden you carry cannot and should not be shouldered alone."

"I'm here to say front and centre that in fact stigma creates a significant barrier for those seeking treatment within the culture of the OPP," he told CBC News. "The criticisms that are out there, some of them are very valid and we have to do better."

"I hope that we can get to the point that nobody is afraid to get up and say they're suffering with mental illness or that they need help," she said.

"I just hope that the people at the top will look at themselves as they look at this."

Where to get help

Canada Suicide Prevention Service

Toll-free 1-833-456-4566

Text: 45645

Chat: crisisservicescanada.ca

In French: Association qubcoise de prvention du suicide: 1-866-APPELLE (1-866-277-3553)

Kids Help Phone:

Phone: 1-800-668-6868

Text: TALK to 686868 (English) or TEXTO to 686868 (French)

Live Chat counselling at www.kidshelpphone.ca

Post-Secondary Student Helpline:

Phone: 1-866-925-5454

Good2talk.ca

Canadian Association for Suicide Prevention: Find a 24-hour crisis centre

If you're worried someone you know may be at risk of suicide, you should talk to them, says the Canadian Association for Suicide Prevention. Here are some warning signs:

• Suicidal thoughts.
• Substance abuse.
• Purposelessness.
• Anxiety.
• Feeling trapped.
• Hopelessness and helplessness.
• Withdrawal.
• Anger.
• Recklessness.
• Mood changes.