Most Canadian word of all missing from senators: 'Sorry'

Auditor General Michael Ferguson crawled out of Mike Duffy's shoebox full of Kegreceipts this week and said he was shocked to discover that "a number of senatorssimply felt they didn't have to account for their spending."

What a shocker!Nobodytell Ferguson where babies come from or the truth about Santa Claus. I fear his heart won't be able to take it.

• Senators defend travel expenses, use of staff in audit responses
• More political satire atThis Hour has 22 Minutes

By now, you've heard about the senators who charged flights for friends to attend a 50th wedding anniversary party, a fishing trip, a book launch and expenses for thehouses they didn't actually live in. The audit blames these things on "a lack ofindependent oversight."

To a senator, "independent oversight" means "look overyour shoulder to make sure nobody sees you write 'public outreach' on that stripclub receipt."

The spending review makes for great reading. But it's nothing compared to thestatements the senators themselves have written in defence of their actions.

Dear angry mob,

I have reviewed the audit assessment and do not agree the conclusions are factuallybased. The auditor general has concluded that I live in Ottawa and not the province of"Lower Canada Rupert's Land,"which I represent, and which the auditor generalclaims is "not a real place." Anyone who knows me is aware that I have been in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina since 1988 so how can I reside in Ottawa? It makes no sense.

I was asked to defend my expenses by writing this letter. Therefore, I am sending youthe bill for the computer I am writing this on, this month's power bill, a desk and chair,printer and stationery, and my cable and Internet bills.

The fault lies not with me but with your process. There were no clear rules so I wasforced to define my own. I asked myself, "Is what you're doing wrong?" I answered,"No." If I was not clear on what I expected of myself, am I really to blame? The fault,you see, lies not with me but with myself.

I was asked to defend my expenses by writing this letter. Therefore, I am sending youthe bill for the computer I am writing this on, this month's power bill, a desk and chair,printer and stationery, and my cable and internet bills. I am also expensing the cost of hiring my wife's stepson Gerry to research me so I could best defend myself. Also, these expensesappear twice as I felt it important to also respond in French.

With greatest contempt,

Senator Critch

Mr. Ferguson is calling for a transformative change. This is not possible. Thesenators fear change not only because they prefer to charge everything. They seethe Senate as a "time-honoured Canadian tradition." But there isn't much Canadianin any of this.

In the many words spoken and written about this whole mess, themost Canadian word of all is missing sorry. You won't hear an apology from any ofthis crowd. They see the Senate as the cost of doing business a reward for pastpartisan services rendered.

Well, perhaps it's time we billed them for our services.

Dear Senate,

I am billing you for the time lost listening to, watching and reading stories about theSenate expense scandal. You will also see a bill for the stomach medication I take tokeep the gall from bubbling over in my gullet upon hearing the term "Duffy."

With disgust,

A Taxpayer

The political price will be known this fall, but will we ever see any of this money back?Who knows? Sadly, it's doubtful any of these people will ever truly be punished butthe one letter I'd love to see would look like this:

Dear Warden,

Recently, I was traded by my cellmate Lefty to a gentleman named Rizzo on Block Dfor three cartons of Export A's. Personally, I prefer Du Maurier but my wife was onceon the board for a symphony sponsored by Du Maurier, so I felt being traded for DuMauriers would be a conflict of interest. There is some confusion over my diet. Thefood here is starchy and dull so I applied for the vegan diet. I am writing to petition tohave filet mignon added to the vegan diet for dietary reasons. The food here makes melong for the business class menu aboard an Air Canada domestic flight. As we bothknow, one cannot live on Camembert alone.

In greatest fear,

Rizzo's Bitch

Mark Critch is a comedian and a cast member ofThis Hour Has22 Minutes, which airs Tuesdays at 8:30 p.m. (9 p.m. in Newfoundland and Labrador) on CBC Television. Follow him on Twitter@MarkCritch.