Interviewer: Tell me about yourself.
Me: *slides over a picture of me crying while eating toast*

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INTERVIEWER: can you explain these gaps on your rsum?
INTERVIEWEE: o sure, i just hit Return a couple times. it's real easy, i'll show ya.

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When jobs ask for 3 years experience I'm like um the only thing I've consistently done for 3 years is quit jobs

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Me: How come my kids have their own bedrooms and I have to share a closet with a man who hoards yard work shirts?

Interviewer: we meant questions about the job

Me: *sips coffee* oh I dont want the job. Im just looking for answers.

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(Job interview) my biggest strength? probably my ability to make a single night's worth of my stuff into an enormous hotel room mess

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interviewer: can you explain this gap in your work history
me: i prefer chasm
interviewer: .......
me: an abyss really. a real CV crevasse

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[job interview]
Any special talents?

Me: I had a school record in discus

Wow! Get outta here!

*I pick myself up & throw my body 120 feet*

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[Job interview]

Executive: One of the skills you listed is diplomatic lying...?

Me: Yes, for example I will say, I am a block away, when its more like five or, I need two minutes, when I mean at least thirty.

Executive: Youre hired.

Me: Ill start in a week.

Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) April 29, 2019","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"Abbi Crutchfield","author_url":"https://twitter.com/curlycomedy","cache_age":86400,"description":"[Job interview]Executive: One of the skills you listed is diplomatic lying...?Me: Yes, for example I will say, I am a block away, when its more like five or, I need two minutes, when I mean at least thirty.Executive: Youre hired. Me: Ill start in a week. 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Interviewer: describe yourself in three words

Me: hardworking, detail-oriented, fergalicious

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Interviewer: what are your strengths?
Me: memorizing gruesome details about serial killers
Interviewer: what about your weaknesses?
Me: repeating those facts to everyone around me
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: on a wikipedia page for some serial killer

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Honest job interview:

What are your hobbies?
I like lying down and looking at my phone and I also enjoy sleeping

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