The best acting I do every year is pretending to be surprised by the gift my wife bought me, like I havent been secretly tracking its delivery on Amazon for weeks.

— The Dad (@thedad) December 25, 2020

Mornings when my wife can sleep in:

Me: [tiptoeing around in socks, whispering to kids, moving objects gently to minimize noise]

Mornings when I can sleep in:

Wife: HEY ALEXA VOLUME 10 HEY ALEXA I NEED A RECIPE FOR SMOOTHIES [sound of blender]

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) December 15, 2020

My husband is grocery shopping so I'm using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.

— Northern Lights (@PinkCamoTO) December 19, 2020

Its snowing again!

Just kidding, my spouse just left Kleenex in her pants again and Im shaking out each article of clothing before it goes to the dryer.

— Lezz Mom (@lezzimomof2) December 19, 2020

marriage is all about compromise*

*doing what your wife told you to do in the first damn place

— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) December 23, 2020

I know it sounds mean but when Im mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when theres already one open.

— Boyd's Backyard (@TheBoydP) December 27, 2020

My wife will be on work calls all day. Please send some random chores or shout something sarcastic, so I dont miss her. Thank you

— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) December 18, 2020

Husband just told me he loves the sound of the dishwasher running because it means the house is taking care of itself.

— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) December 19, 2020

My wife wears yoga pants, but rarely does yoga.

I thought it was funny until I realized I never went parachuting in the 80s.

— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) December 23, 2020

Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?

Husband:

Me:

Husband: How much?

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) December 18, 2020

I finally remembered to shave both armpits so I guess Im a trophy wife now

— Maryfairyboberry (@maryfairybobrry) December 27, 2020

Wife: [after cutting 1 centimeter from her hair] Notice anything different?

— Dude-Bro Dad (@thedadvocate01) December 18, 2020

I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say vest day ever like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasnt as invested as they were.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 20, 2020

Husband: Are these mashed potatoes ok?

Me: Yes.

Husband: How do you know?

Me: I stuck my finger in them twice when you were in the bathroom.

— Jingle Bell Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) December 24, 2020

My husband just asked me what's for dinner, like he can't pour his own cereal.

— (@3sunzzz) December 15, 2020

I hid my husband's Christmas presents with the cleaning supplies.

— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) December 23, 2020

get married so you can have a 25 minute conversation about when to run the dishwasher

— Vision Bored (@VisionBored1) December 21, 2020

Welcome to 40. Im excited about my fancy new vacuum and my husband cant wait to use his new saw on downed tree in our back yard.

— Rhyming Mama (@sarabellab123) December 25, 2020

The key to picking out a TV show with your spouse is to scroll through Netflix until they have fallen asleep and select the show you want to watch.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) December 22, 2020

Wife: yeah *looking up from gift* I asked for something small and sparkly

Me: yes and if you press the button on the yo-yo it lights up

— The Dad (@thedad) December 25, 2020

Sent my husband to the grocery store for specific Christmas sprinkles.

Just saw his phone sitting on the dining room table.

Chaos is about to ensue.

— MichiMama (@michimama75) December 22, 2020

My husband is growing out his beard this month mostly so he can ask us every single morning if we like his beard.

— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) December 17, 2020

Marriage is a very careful balancing act of two individuals recognizing and unanimously agreeing that one of them is always right

— Maryfairyboberry (@maryfairybobrry) December 21, 2020

Sometimes when my husband is sleeping soundly next to me I like to turn his phone's sound on and send him a text asking, "are you awake?".

— The Evolving Arm (@leftarmisme) December 19, 2020

My husband: What do you want to do today?

Me: Its the day after Christmas. Im sitting on my ass. Take your overambitiousness elsewhere.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) December 26, 2020