How To Talk To People Who Constantly Interrupt (And Why They Do It)

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President Donald Trumps apparent strategy at the first presidential debate Tuesday night? Interrupt as much as possible.

That tactic made moderator Chris Wallace s job increasingly difficult as the evening wore on. Like a kindergartner teacher struggling to discipline unruly students in a Zoom virtual classroom, the Fox News anchor tried to rein in the put-downs, outbursts and interruptions from both candidates.

The interruptions, especially from Trump, were so incessant that viewers couldnt even make out what the two men were saying at times.

Always a pugnacious debater Trump interrupted Hilary Clinton 51 times in the first presidential debate in 2016 the president gave a masterclass on the art of interruption. By Slates count, he interrupted rival Joe Biden or Wallace at least 128 times. Biden cut in roughly a dozen times.

At one point, Trump interrupted Biden more than 10 times as the Democratic candidate tried to answer one question.

As Pres. Trump repeatedly interrupts Joe Biden, Biden says, \"Will you shut up, man?\"

\"That was really a productive segment, wasn't it?\" Biden says sarcastically. \"Keep yappin', man.\" https://t.co/5Bl4Ob3O2t #Debates2020 pic.twitter.com/XvNahLC1Rm

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As Pres. Trump repeatedly interrupts Joe Biden, Biden says, "Will you shut up, man?"

"That was really a productive segment, wasn't it?" Biden says sarcastically. "Keep yappin', man." https://t.co/5Bl4Ob3O2t #Debates2020 pic.twitter.com/XvNahLC1Rm
ABC News (@ABC) September 30, 2020

Would you shut up, man? Biden finally asked Trump after the president repeatedly interrupted Bidens response to a question about expanding the number of justices on the Supreme Court. (See the clip above.)

Wallace asked the president at least 25 times to stop interrupting and obey the debate rules. Eventually, though, Wallace effectively paused the debate and begged the candidates to stop interrupting each other. (Clearly, his shouts of Gentlemen, please! in the midst of the melee were pointless.)

The country would be better served if we allowed both people to speak with fewer interruptions, Wallace said before directly asking Trump to keep things civil. Im appealing to you, sir, to do it.

And him, too? the chastised president replied, nodding his head toward Biden.

Well, frankly, youve been doing more interrupting, Wallace replied.

The rapid-fire interruptions throughout the night even got etiquette experts talking.

Look, I know the realm of politics isnt known for its politeness, but the incessant interruptions by the president both of the moderator and of his opponent was a disturbing spectacle to witness, said Thomas P. Farley , an etiquette expert and host of the podcast What Manners Most.

I think the presidents steadfast refusal to await his turn or to resist voicing a complaint was probably a turn-off for any viewer who had tuned in eager for a substantive debate over the very real issues facing the United States, Farley told HuffPost.

People interrupt either as a classic bullying technique, combined here with Trump with low-impulse control, or an inability to cognitively follow the other persons train of thought, thereby using interruption to mask this lack of comprehension.
- Jodi R.R. Smith, owner of anetiquette consulting firm

Jodi R.R. Smith, owner of an etiquette consulting firm , couldnt help gaming out how Bidens camp should handle the next debate to keep things more civil.

If I was asked to advise the Biden team, I would recommend a [pre-debate meeting] with the moderator that has specific if-then arrangements, she mused. If he interrupts during my responses, then his microphone will be turned off. (Others, including former Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly, have suggested the same thing.)

If he interrupts repeatedly, the other person should be given additional time to respond, starting when the opponent is silent, she said.

Sure, a mic muting function would have been great, but lets look on the bright side: Tuesday nights debate was a teachable moment on how to talk to someone who seems intent on speaking over you. Fortunately, most of us will never have to deal with the pressure of an on-stage debate televised around the world. But many, if not all of us, have had tense conversations with co-workers, family members or strangers at a dinner party who wont let us get a word in edgewise.

With Thanksgiving coming up (oh, goody, another political argument with your uncle at the dinner table!), we asked etiquette experts like Smith and Farley and one family psychologist, for good measure to share how to talk to a chronic interrupter without losing your mind.

If you know youre dealing with a repeat interrupter, plan for the worst.

Whether youre dealing with an angry client, your partner, a snooty friend of a friend or your know-it-all college-aged son, if youve gotten into it with the person before, you know what to expect: more impossible conversation and lots of interruptions.

With your experiences in mind, stage as much as possible in advance and prepare yourself, said Diane Gottsman, an etiquette expert and owner of The Protocol School of Texas .

Going into the conversation, find a neutral place to talk, speak for short bursts rather than monopolising the conversation and avoid an aggressive tone of voice, she said. Be open to listening to their point of view and watch your body language so you dont send the message that you are closed to hearing their message.

Recognise why theyre interrupting so often and dont fall into the same trap.

Consider this the know thy enemy pointer: Generally speaking, motives for interrupting can be classified into two categories, Smith said.

People interrupt either as a classic bullying technique, combined here with Trump with low-impulse control, or an inability to cognitively follow the other persons train of thought, thereby using interruption to mask this lack of comprehension, she said.

We all want to be of a calm, steady mind and express our thoughts and feelings coherently, but sometimes the excitement involved in the conversation gets the best of us. Thats when interruptions happen, said Ryan Kelly, a psychologist in Charlotte, North Carolina.

Someone who is interrupting you is likely coming from an emotional state, whether it be through something harmless like excitement (e.g., someone with ADHD finishing your sentences) or something harmful like disrespect or emotional reactivity (e.g., pride, anger), he said.

Whats important for you in these moments is to not allow their interruptions to force you into an emotional mind, too, he said.