When your toddler can open the door themselves in the middle of the night congratulations, you live in a haunted house now.

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My kids will eat anything as long as one step of the recipe says Add Contents of Cheese Packet

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I dont know started the saying life is short but it definitely wasnt a parent waiting for a child to do it myself

MomTransparenting (@momtransparent1) November 4, 2019","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"MomTransparenting","author_url":"https://twitter.com/momtransparent1","cache_age":86400,"description":"I dont know started the saying life is short but it definitely wasnt a parent waiting for a child to do it myself MomTransparenting (@momtransparent1) November 4, 2019\n\n","provider_name":"Twitter","title":"MomTransparenting on 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CLOCK: daylight saving time has ended you now have an extra hour

MY KID: dibs

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Therapist: What do you do when your toddler has unrealistic expectations?

Me: Tell her shes acting like her father.

Therapist: No

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The Forrest Gump shrimp scene, but its my daughter listing the various types of slime: There's unicorn slime, butter slime, glow in the dark slime, galaxy slime, jelly slime, metallic slime, magnetic slime, glitter slime, rainbow slime, snow slime, fluffy slime

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Me: Why is there a sticker on the fridge?

5-year-old: It did a good job.

Me: *gives it another sticker*

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Husband: [3], come here before you start eating.

3: *starts eating*

Him: BEFORE you start eating.

3 : *keeps eating*

Him: I said come here BEFORE you - *starts pulling her from the table*

3 : *hurriedly shoves goldfish crackers into her mouth as shes being dragged away*

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Me: *calls childs name*

...

Me: *calls childs name*

...

Me: *opens candy wrapper*

Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!

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Only have kids if you REALLY want to watch someone do a spin 10,000 times.

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Mom friend: \"Nutrition is so important.\"

Me, knowing full well my kids survive on various forms of fried potatoes: \"Totally.\"

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The parenting books dont tell you youre going to go broke buying reusable water bottles for your kid to lose.

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All day:
10yo: *sniffing but refuses to blow nose

During piano practice:
10yo: *insists on blowing his nose every 30 secs

Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) November 6, 2019","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"Robert Knop","author_url":"https://twitter.com/FatherWithTwins","cache_age":86400,"description":"All day:10yo: *sniffing but refuses to blow noseDuring piano practice:10yo: *insists on blowing his nose every 30 secs Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) November 6, 2019\n\n","provider_name":"Twitter","title":"Robert Knop on 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I saw a new mom and I could see the hope and love in her eyes while she held her newborn, so I acknowledged the adorableness of her baby and whispered \"run\" as I walked away.

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I think I've figured out this whole meal planning thing with kids:

Monday - won't eat it
Tuesday - don't like it
Wednesday - ewww gross
Thursday - that AGAIN
Friday - it smells weird
Saturday - this has chunks
Sunday - pizza

Divergent Mama (@Divergentmama) November 5, 2019","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"Divergent Mama","author_url":"https://twitter.com/Divergentmama","cache_age":86400,"description":"I think I've figured out this whole meal planning thing with kids: Monday - won't eat itTuesday - don't like itWednesday - ewww grossThursday - that AGAINFriday - it smells weirdSaturday - this has chunksSunday - pizza Divergent Mama (@Divergentmama) November 5, 2019\n\n","provider_name":"Twitter","title":"Divergent Mama on 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At 2 1/2 year well check for my toddler:
Pediatrician: Is she mimicking behavior? Like, pretending to make phone calls like you do?
Me: Like pretending to shave her lady parts in the shower with a toy razor?
Pediatrician: What!?
Me: What?

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Me: Dont do that.
Kids: We wont.
Me: Please. Its important you dont.
Kids: We said we wouldnt.
Me: Again, I cant stress how important it is not to do that.
Kids: WE WONT!!!!!

Narrator: They immediately did that.

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Of all the terrible ways to be woken up I think, mommy, my fart is on the floor, takes the cake.

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the most interesting thing about being the mom of a 6 year old is knowing that I'm way too old to be cast as the mom of a teenager in any primetime tv show

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At bedtime our 3yo cried because his stuffed buddy was missing, so I heroically retrieved it.

The fact that he then began screaming for a completely DIFFERENT toy is why Im currently drinking all the scotch.

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Non parents: This silence is nice

Parents: *hears nothing* where the fuck are the kids and what are they doing!??

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