People Ask Me What My Baby's Gender Is. I'll Let Them Know When My Kid Does.

What a lady killer! This one is going to be a player! Or, wait Is it a boy or a girl? my babys admirer asked, eyes drawn to the pink socks underneath the blue jumpsuit I had my baby in.

I paused, she persisted, I then answered:

Um, a girl, I guess unless they tell me otherwise in the future.

Shock spread across her face: Oh my gosh! Im so sorry. Im so sorry!

But what does a babys gender matter, if you cant really tell at this age? Can babies even have a gender (the social construct) versus sex (male or female parts)? Being queer in sexuality and in gender has forced me to question these seemingly simple moments, which are actually very important in our childrens development.

WATCH: How this queer, single parent is reclaiming the word mom. Article continues below.

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Im a parent who wants nothing more than for my child to feel loved no matter how they identify. I choose to believe most parents want this for their children, too. Thats why I gently push back on these kinds of questions around my 17-month-olds gender.

When I was pregnant, I would often be asked if I wanted a boy or a girl. I would respond that I wanted a healthy child. These days, Ill playfully shrug and say things like: Well see when they let me know.

From pregnancy to months after a childs born, people seem overly concerned with childrens gender. They want to know how to properly refer to your child, how to treat them and socialize them, long before any differences between babies are noticeable. In fact, I get questions about my kids gender technically, their sex: male or female more than anything.

Im just not sure why what these people are asking is important right now.

I think the gendered roles we perpetuate in our society boy or girl are limiting at best, and deadly at worst.

Im not trying to be combative Im making space for kids who cant make their own. Gender is a construct. I dont think babies have genders before they have personalities. The way I see it, my child is too young to have a fully developed identity, let alone grasp the concept of identity, so in the meantime I want to create a context in which they feel they can fully be who they are.

This openness around gender can be unnerving to some.

What I find unnerving is that people think that a childs sexuality is an important topic of discussion more than a decade before they even hit puberty. It makes me wonder how hearing their gender and sexuality being discussed and assumed impacts a child as they grow up. It makes me wonder why so many people are concerned with getting a babys pronouns right, but not when the pronouns in question belong to a grown trans person.

Why not want more options and spaciousness, rather than the rigid boundaries that can make kids feel trapped, unloveable and wrong? Whoever your kid is, they are going to be themselves regardless. Depending on how you approach them, however, theyll feel more or less loved by you.