The human body is 70% La Croix

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Everyone hates millennials until its time to convert a PDF into a Word document

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Coffee mugs do a lot of heavy lifting when it comes to personality in the workplace

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When I say Ill let you know... pic.twitter.com/KLn5n0Zmg1

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A page after the acknowledgements for people that have wronged you.

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How much spinach I start cooking vs how much I end up with. pic.twitter.com/DWmWEKQFkm

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Me, to myself: Okay, just be cool, don't say anything weird

Any woman: *says something that makes me laugh*

Me, out loud: THAT'S HILARIOUS WE SHOULD BE SISTER WIVES BUT WITHOUT THE HUSBAND

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I love seeing my friends on vacation. I watch their stories and like their pictures all happy. I also think Im with them. When they get back Im like omg we had so much fun visiting that waterfall near the beach. We gotta go back.

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Im going to introduce the tiny, useless pocket on my jacket sleeve to the tiny, useless pocket on my jeans so they can hook up and make tiny, useless pocket babies.

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Whenever I save the numbers of my female friends male partners in my phone, I use the Handmaids Tale model for their last names, so Anthony OfBianca.

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Mother: can you please fix my computer

Me: *leans back in chair* well... well ... well ... if it isnt Miss Get Off That Computer Years 1994 to 2006

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Jan 1: New Year, new me!
Jan 2: Im back on my bullshit.

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Me: *covers foot with blanket*

Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*

Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin

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Why send sexy pics to dudes for validation when you can update your FB photo and instantly get hundreds of compliments from your middle aged aunts

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If a woman lends you a hair tie, by law you are officially sisters forever and ever amen

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Im late to work cuz I followed this dog for 3 blocks in the wrong direction pic.twitter.com/OmgiWyQZqm

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Nails are just your finger teeth. Next question.

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everyone please keep me in your thoughts, im about to enter the first date montage portion of my rom com

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The only thing men bring to the table is the audacity

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I'm into

Men
Women
Researching the menu ahead of time so I know exactly what to order, including side dishes and dessert

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I wonder who is laughing at me harder when I pack my bag for a vacation: my workout clothes or my book.

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Looking at a man's bookshelf or collection of records or list of favourite movies like pic.twitter.com/oPNc6FAOG3

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there is a startling trend on Instagram of people pretending to still be on vacation when I know for a fact theyve been back home for days. as your elected official I will work to end this

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Come on, everyone knows the four major seasons: \"ros all day\" season, \"pumpkin spice\" season, \"new year new you\" season and \"festival\" season

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To give a good high five, watch the other persons elbow. Keep watching it. Binge 5 seasons of it. Its undoubtedly overrated.

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Nothing in life is as shocking as discovering that one of your male friends has decided he is now a Bracelet Guy

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The girl Flo Rida sings about in Low was wearing apple bottom jeans, boots with the fur, baggy sweatpants, AND reeboks with the straps all at the same time so we must conclude that she was, in fact, a centaur. In this essay I will

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copywriting question when it comes to typing \"Meryl Streep\" do we do italics, question marks, or a conspicuous font change so everyone reads it in a special voice?

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yes the rumors are true i care about ariana grande more than any person in my life

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thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her pic.twitter.com/OZJ1yb9WRI

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Im just saying when the live action Mulan comes out I will not be able to contain myself Im gonna cut my hair with a sword in the theater

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Me: Hold on, I'll get my wallet. I tell ya, at my age, you don't know how nice it is to get carded.

Doorman: Yeah, like I said, mam, this is a Costco, and we're just checking to make sure you're not stealing that five hundred count case of mini quiche.

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I STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT A COOLATTA IS, SHE SCREAMS AT THE GLASS SEPARATING HER AND THE DUNKIN' DONUTS EMPLOYEES IN HER FOURTH HOUR AT THE AIRPORT

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Help. What are the best wireless earbuds on the market right now? For when I call Dominos but want to look like a smart business woman.

Lili Reinhart (@lilireinhart) October 13, 2018","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"Lili Reinhart","author_url":"https://twitter.com/lilireinhart","cache_age":86400,"description":"Help. What are the best wireless earbuds on the market right now? For when I call Dominos but want to look like a smart business woman. 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PowerPuff Girls aint even got fingers bruh. Hands forever balled up in fists. They had no choice but to be bout that action

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every time my laptop fans start going mental I lean in and whisper \"are you mining bitcoin you little shit\"

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My daughter is singing an original song called \"When My Mom Grows Up\" and I've honestly never felt so understood by a 3 year old.

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I really only go on Facebook for work and to see the latest pyramid scheme someone I went to high school with is now deeply invested in

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Me finding my friends in the club after wandering off for two hours pic.twitter.com/Oi6EmRlltz

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Welcome to adulthood. You have a favorite spatula now.

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You know what else is a liar? Ramen noodles. One brick is two servings?

I think the fuck not.

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[operator]: 9-1-1 what's your emergency

[me, breathless]: HI I DON T WANT TO SOUND ALARMED BUT I JUST SAW TWO MEN WEARING SHORTS IN 25 DEGREE WEATHER HOW DO I PROCEED? CITIZEN'S ARREST?

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me on tinder pic.twitter.com/8rQy3tsm74

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Man next to me on the subway fell asleep and his head dropped onto my shoulder for a sec and anyway I have a husband now

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\"Why Can't It Be Bedtime Yet\" and other tales from middle age

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not to brag but this bird just proposed to me pic.twitter.com/ou2sqVbeBD

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omg I just heard a mother say lets play the silent game and her two kids fell for it what a boss

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the REAL March madness pic.twitter.com/StmPvgvUgQ

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If multiple women sit separately in a food court, each quietly eating a salad, do not interrupt us. We are silently communicating through salads, like whale song.

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Titles Id fully believe were British TV shows:

Beamish and Quigley

The Quite Corking Quiz Show

Shant We Tell the Vicar?

A Bees As Good As A Bonnet

Up Your Arse, Alistair!

That Isnt How We Do It in Lincolnshire, That Isnt How We Do It At All

Just Joanna Lumley

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