[facebook]
"5 years ago i married my best friend, my soulmate, i love you"

[real life]
"eat all the leftovers again and i will end you"

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) October 5, 2016

*watching husband sleep*

Me: "I just love him so much, he's my everyth-"

*husband snores*

Me: "I can't live like this."

— Six Pack Mom (@Six_Pack_Mom) August 28, 2016

Marriage is essentially two people taking turns pushing down the top of the kitchen garbage so they don't have to take it out.

— Ian Mendes (@ian_mendes) May 20, 2016

My wife is so much better looking than me that a cashier just put a plastic divider down in the middle of our groceries.

— Charles Demers (@charliedemers) January 16, 2016

Text from wife: I'm so sorry, I'm gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this

— David Hughes (@david8hughes) November 6, 2016

ME: There's no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so youre not going to share
ME: I am not going to share

— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) January 18, 2016

My wife & I just snoozed 2 separate alarm clocks for 2.5 hrs. This is the exact relationship I hoped for.

— Cameron Esposito (@cameronesposito) May 18, 2016

Wife: We need milk, eggs, and bread. Write it down.

Me: No need. I'll remember.

[an hour later]

Wife: What did you buy?

Me: A panda.

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) May 6, 2016

"I was just about to do that chore that I see you're starting now"

- Marriage

— Zack (@Mr_Kapowski) May 10, 2016

*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we - stop screaming, it's just me- are we out of Cheetos?

— Josh (@iwearaonesie) February 24, 2016

(Wedding)
Priest: They've written their vows

Wife: *recites beautiful vows*

Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount

— Snow (B)ice (@Pro_Jones_) January 10, 2016

Nothing in life can prepare you for how much of marriage is spent just listening to someone cough.

— beth with the cat (@bourgeoisalien) May 3, 2016

[rolls over in bed and whispers to wife]
"I ate like 75 chicken nuggets today"

— Rob (@rockymomax) February 16, 2016

Before I got married I didn't realize "What do you want to watch?" was a rhetorical question

— Josh (@iwearaonesie) May 16, 2016

Husband: I love you.
Me: *eating a potato chip really loudly* You should. I'm a goddamn miracle.

— Flannery (@imdaintyaf) September 12, 2016

I bet my husband's favorite thing about me is how I don't order anything and then ask for sips of his drink and snatch his french fries.

— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) September 29, 2016

Wife: Where are you
Me: The store
W: Don't lie to me
M: Wh-
W: I saw the internet history
M: *hangs up* pic.twitter.com/CbhMqKVGkq

— Hip Dad Online (@hardlyrelevant) May 25, 2016

Just put on fancy socks and a night shirt with no food stains so I can try to seduce my husband later.

— Ashley Austrew (@ashleyaustrew) January 23, 2016

WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He's getting married, Karen

— Floyd (@dafloydsta) August 17, 2016

I wondered if my wife was asleep so I held my phone a foot over her face and turned it on.
Then I dropped it onto her nose.
She's awake now.

— Bipolar Bear (@_b1p0larbear) October 27, 2016

My husband just texted me from the bathroom and asked me to bring him "A LOT more toilet paper," so yeah, the romance ain't dead people.

— Madame Mumsie (@MUMSIEesq) March 8, 2016

Wife: why are you breathing like that?

Ahh marriage. When you can be questioned for continuing to live.

— Jeff (@usermcuserface) November 29, 2016

Me: I'm exhausted.
Husband: Didn't you take a 2 hour nap?
Me: What do you mean by that?

— Jackie Bouvier (@jackiembouvier) February 16, 2016

Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.

Wife: Congratulations.

[2 hours later]

Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.

— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) January 9, 2016

Relationship status: My wife asked me what I wanted for dinner and then told me I was wrong.

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) February 22, 2016

Me: Wait, so it's cool for you to use my phone charger but I can't touch yours?

Wife: Correct.

— Rock (@TheMichaelRock) January 28, 2016

[runs to the door to greet wife]
I'm afraid there's been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.

— David Hughes (@david8hughes) February 28, 2016

MARRIED SEXT

Her: Is it in?

Him: Not yet

Her: Put it In now!

Him: Ok it's in

Her: And set the timer! Im not eating burnt lasagna again!

— Will Rodgers (@WilliamRodgers) May 23, 2016

Hey baby it's Friday night, why don't you get into something more comfortable that you can wear all weekend because we have no laundry left.

— Tired Working Mom (@WorkingMom86) January 30, 2016

I need you to be spontaneous. Be predictable. I need intimacy. Give me my space. Load the dishwasher. Not like that.

-marriage

— Blu (@TwoSapphiresBlu) November 3, 2016