It all began when I became obsessed with a photo I saw on the Facebook page of a writer I knew. She was backstage at a bikini competition in heels and a sparkly bikini, and she held a trophy high overhead. Part of me thought she looked ridiculous with her silver eyeshadow and her deep spray tan, but her smile told a story of strength and accomplishment. I couldnt remember the last time Id felt strong or accomplished.

I was almost 50, had been parenting for 22 years straight, and was in the muddy middle of trying to write a memoir about my decade in Japans underbelly. My day job was running childrens yoga and nutrition classes, where not only did I teach my girls and my students downward dog, boat pose and the importance of healthy eating, I also taught nonjudgment and unconditional self-acceptance.

Bikini competitions do not fall within these parameters. Parading around on stage in a tiny swimsuit for a panel of judges went against my morals. So why was I so taken by the idea of possibly competing?

My friends were as befuddled as I was. Why not just work out? they asked. Why demean yourself in a bikini competition? I told them I needed the discipline of a trainer to tell me how and when to exercise, and a deadline that I couldnt wiggle out of. I needed skin in the game. Someone who wouldnt let me quit.

Some people thought I was having a midlife crisis. I wondered about this myself. Maybe something in my brain was misfiring because I dont have one competitive bone in my body. Some accused me of setting unrealistic body expectations for my girls, who were 11 and 21 at the time, so I sat down with my daughters and explained it wasnt about dieting or losing weight per se, it was about their mother completing a hard thing and hopefully becoming stronger in the process.

Linda Hamiltons ripped physique while playing Sarah Connor in Terminator 2 had long been my goal body, but it wasnt just the look of her body that I found so appealing. I was drawn to her characters transformation from a mother who had been dealt a shitty hand in The Terminator to the formidable warrior she became in Terminator 2: Judgment Day. I wanted a bit of that bad-assery. Ultimately, it wasnt just her muscles I coveted I also wanted Connors emotional resilience.

I told myself to get a grip and stop being ridiculous, and yet, as my 50th birthday crept closer, I couldnt let go of the idea. I reached out to the writer in the Facebook picture, who introduced me to the trainer who coached her for competition.