If you love a woman you need to know this: Desire is the real female orgasm.

Everyone it seems wants sex tips, sex hacks, how to make love better. How to keep the hot in relationships. How to turn a woman on. People come to me every day wanting to know "the secret." And it really starts with understanding that desire is the real female orgasm.

Here's the thing about great sex and female desire. I hate to disappoint, but the psychology of female desire has very little to do with sexual prowess. But it does take effort.

Show her that she inspires desire in you. If she can't feel your desire, she will probably not be inspired to have sex with you.

Women want you to really want them. How can you show her that you desire her? Use all your tools. Your words, your presence and attention, your actions, and your body.

Do you think you have her already? Put that idea on the shelf. Women are filled with shifting energy.

They need attention.

Show her that you care about her pleasure.

Let her know that you love her body. Tell her this more than you think you need to. Women carry way too much body shame, and you can turn her on by supporting her in feeling beautiful in her body. Don't just tell her that you care -- show her.

Give her focused attention and presence. This is huge. If you don't give a woman your presence, if you don't show up -- she may really wonder why she is having sex with you or even dinner!

Consider being a place she can lean into, a solid presence (there is that word presence again).

Do you want to have sex with a woman? Really hot, heart-centered sex? Inspire her with desire.

Try on some of these "desire tools" and you might find a turned on, wild and free -- ready to play sex goddess.

It's amazing what can happen with a few shifts in attention.

Pamela Madsen's runs retreats around the world to help women re-connect to their bodies and sensuous nature and is author of the book; "Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home in Time to Cook Dinner" (Rodale 2011). Pamela's ground breaking work with women has recently been featured in "O" Oprah Magazine.

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