I love when my husband says, correct me if Im wrong, like I would pass up that opportunity.

— MumOfTwo (@MumOfTw0) November 15, 2022

DATING: i cant believe we have so much in common

MARRIAGE: please dont watch your stuff under my netflix profile

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) June 7, 2022

My air fryer arrives today. I just know this will be thing that saves my marriage.

— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) February 2, 2022

Husband has an appointment at 10:10. He got in the shower at 9:54. This is why I have anxiety

— meghan (@deloisivete) August 4, 2022

How dare my husband interrupt the story I decided to tell in the middle of his story

— Mommeh Cheerest (@mommeh_dearest) September 29, 2022

My husband just pulled a "my house, my rules" on me and I think now might be a good time for me to tell him I was too lazy to add him to the title after we got married.

— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) May 13, 2022

You can tell your Husband exactly where to go in your purse, and He will bring the entire purse back to you.

— Sheri Wilkinson (@SheriAWilkinson) January 8, 2022

My husband is cleaning the bathroom, but sex on a Monday?

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) May 9, 2022

If my wife doesnt like her haircut, does her hairdresser even know the emotional mess I'm left to clean up.

— Cracked (@a_simpl_man) April 20, 2022

My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.

— smerobin (@smerobin) May 13, 2022

trans men are MEN. for instance I can tell my husband 50 times about my friend sarah and hell STILL be like wait whos sarah

— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) May 4, 2022

it's with a heavy heart i announce that, after 12 years of marriage, my partner and i have decided that it's better for both of us if we don't attend any of your holiday parties

— Sam Reich (@samreich) November 16, 2022

Congratulations to my wife on the purchase of her one millionth candle.

— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) October 27, 2022

Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife's plans for the second time.

— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) June 8, 2022

Wife cracks open her eye ever so slightly at 6am

Me: what we thinkin for dinner?! We have those pork chops in the freezer or I could make soup. Id never turn down pizza either haha

— Pual Chikmo (@PualChikmo) August 14, 2022

yeah i sleep with a white noise machine ive been married to him for almost 11 years

— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) January 31, 2022

Me: I no longer wish to be contacted, can you please take me off your call list?

Wife: please stop answering the phone like that when I call you

— Dad Missile Toeing (@raoulvilla) November 10, 2022

I wish I knew what my wifes hands are made of. I picked up washing dishes where she left off and scalded the hell outta my hands.

— Dad Named Matt (@mahnamematt) April 18, 2022

Judy Garland is Liza Minnellis mom? -my husband who apparently isnt gay.

— https://mstdn.social/@benjaminjs (@BenjaminJS) May 27, 2022

My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, "You know, I'd love some water?" And I turned around and he was carrying the dog's water bowl to her....(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)

— Ada Limn (@adalimon) August 9, 2022

My poor husband. It must be bloody awful to have a condition that apparently stops him from being able to shut a cupboard door after hes opened it.

— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) June 10, 2022

My daughter looked at a text message and said "Ugh, I don't have enough patience to deal with these dumb boy questions." Which is funny because that's exactly what I think when my husband texts me.

— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) March 7, 2022

My husband just called and the first thing he said was YOU ARE ON SPEAKER. 5 times

— Chubby wubby (@CheriFlavour) February 18, 2022

my wife: can we talk about something?

me: what is it in regards to?

my wife: your coffee intake

me: no

— lucy bexley (@bexley_lucy) March 14, 2022

My husband will stand in the middle of the living room, watching my show that he says, is dumb for 30 minutes. Then hits me with, Whats going on? Shes dating this guy now?.

— (@BlkSoulBeauty) January 8, 2022

Wife: What's that noise?
Me: The house is settling.
Wife: Well that's one thing we have in common.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 11, 2022

Car trips with my wife are great cause I get to listen to 10 seconds each of 400 songs she hates.

— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) July 15, 2022

husband: I was thinking we could start jogging in the mor-

me: let me stop you right there

— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) November 12, 2022

Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what youre thinking.

Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 7, 2022

wife: I feel like we should talk about this

me: [eating chili in bed while using old sweatpants as a napkin] about what

— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) April 21, 2022

My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, She always had me laughing. Is she still funny? And my sweet husband said, Not in the slightest.

— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) November 29, 2022

i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances

— Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) July 4, 2022

Get yourself a wife who can text with you lovingly about what you want for dinner while youre in separate rooms watching separate shows

— Sarah Rebecca Kessler (@moveablejaw) April 25, 2022

my husband bought me flowers and I found a vase, cut the stems, arranged them, protected them from children, cleaned up the fallen leaves, threw them away when they died, and washed the vase

— Science Mom (@EmSlyce) April 19, 2022

Dads, it finally happened!

My wife needed two cables today and I went to my box of random old cables and immediately found them!

Bask in this moment of validation, fellas. This is for all of us!

— TwinzerDad (@TwinzerDad) September 8, 2022

My husband calls our Bluetooth speaker Mr Speaker and addresses it as if we are in Parliament.

— Toks W. (@toks_w) July 13, 2022

The biggest lie my wife & I tell ourselves is this will be the weekend we remember to donate those boxes of clothes

— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) July 17, 2022

Married life. pic.twitter.com/AOFxqhjGQt

— The Jay Agenda 12/2/22 Union Hall (@JayJurden) July 24, 2022

my husband: so I meant to tell you [runs sink] [clashes plates while emptying dishwasher] [walks into the bathroom and closes the door] [comes back into the kitchen] what do you think?

— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) August 9, 2022

Husband: do you remember the other day, when I said..

Me: I remember everything you say for quality assurance purposes, go on..

— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) September 12, 2022

husband: you should hang out with my friends wife, shes an introvert like you

me: thatsthats not how it works

— meghan (@deloisivete) January 16, 2022

My wife was telling me a story and she said "for example lets say you are handsome" I havent recovered

— Thee_GangsterGp (@Thee_GangsterGp) July 1, 2022

At the beach and my husband has made friends with the family next to us so now I have to file for divorce

— SpacedMom (@copymama) June 29, 2022

I asked my husband for help picking up before company gets here so naturally hes out replacing the sprinkler heads

— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) August 19, 2022

You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING - grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas - in ONE LONG NOTE

— Jessica Ellis (@baddestmamajama) October 23, 2022

Weve been together 23 years but she loaded the dishwasher like this again. Its been a helluva run pic.twitter.com/bhWYwY9RBe

— meh, idk maybe (@burn_the_ships) September 1, 2022

Me: Any Costco requests?

Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, Im good.

— LaughCryCoffee (@laughcrycoffee) October 4, 2022

Marriage involves a lot more shouting IM IN THE BATHROOM than I originally thought.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) October 19, 2022

A truck is here to cut a giant tree down in my neighbors yard, so now my husband has to cancel all his plans and stand by the window for the next 2 hours.

— SpacedMom (@copymama) February 15, 2022

My husband decided to learn Moonlight Sonata on the piano and hes been playing it nonstop for over two hours now. I think this is how true crime novels begin.

— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) November 11, 2022