Marriage is finding the one person you dislike slightly less than anyone else and deciding to pay bills together

— Crockett (@CrockettForReal) January 27, 2021

My marriage vows never said anything about removing a bevy of various sized pillows from the couch before laying down on it.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) February 3, 2021

My husband and I just got two additional streaming services so now we can argue about even more shows that one of us doesnt want to watch.

— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) January 29, 2021

Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.

— Aunt Chelle (@ravenswng_) February 6, 2021

*slowly nods at another husband pushing the shopping cart for his wife at the grocery store*

— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) January 31, 2021

So far I've discovered marriage is mostly just the cold spouse trying to steal heat from the other.

— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) January 26, 2021

Marriage is just asking, Is it safe to go in? after one spouse spent a long time in the bathroom.

— ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz) February 4, 2021

I wish my wife would be more like Jeff Bezos and step away from Amazon

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) February 5, 2021

when you wake up and see the coffee is made it means six more weeks of marriage

— Vision Bored (@VisionBored1) February 2, 2021

Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:

— Maryfairyboberry (@maryfairybobrry) February 5, 2021

My wife just asked me if we have any wall spackle and this is not good news.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 3, 2021

Get married so a normal phone call turns into a passive aggressive argument, because the cellular network is bad and somehow its your fault

— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) January 27, 2021

Unsolicited marriage advice for the day:

Even if your jobs are done, dont stop cleaning until she does.

— Your Favorite Gay Mom (@lezzimomof2) January 27, 2021

Id ordered my daughter and myself a couple Valentines Day candles from Bath & Body Works. My husband opened the box and thought one was for him. He lit it immediately and was so happy. It only took 26 years for me to figure out this perfect gift...completely on accident.

— Darlin Darla (@Darlainky) February 5, 2021

Prayers needed for my husband. He's whistling again.

— Felicia (@LostFelicia) January 30, 2021

I am one more week of lockdown away from flirting with my own wife.

— Brona C. Titley (@bronactitley) February 7, 2021

Husband: What are you doing?

Me: Saving the environment.

Husband: Youre standing over the kitchen counter eating ice cream from the carton.

Me: Exactly. From the carton, which means Im saving water not washing a dish.

— Rachel Sobel (@whinecheezits) February 6, 2021

Wife: I need some chicken stock.

Me: okay. Ill call the broker tomorrow.

— Nater (@GorillaNipples1) February 4, 2021

Husband: Its not my fault.

Me:

Narrator: He later learned it was his fault. All his fault.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) February 4, 2021

Wife: My post is going wild.

*go to her page*

12 likes.

— jess salomon (@jess_salomon) February 3, 2021

Lets get married and have kids so we can spend hours preparing and cleaning up after dinner so our kids can spend seconds deciding they just dont like the texture.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 4, 2021

Im sorry were late, my husband wanted to find the car keys himself this time.

— ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz) February 1, 2021

My husband asked why I drink my wine so quickly so I poured a glass, sat down, and then the puppy peed on the floor while my four year old yelled to have his bum wiped and then the oven timer went off.

— Vision Bored (@VisionBored1) February 6, 2021

Husband: I bet you can't stay off Twitter for one day

Me *stays off for two days so I can call him Wrongy McWrongface for the next two months*

— Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) February 7, 2021

One of my husbands most impressive talents is how hes able to say the word we and have it actually mean you. For example I see we finished the entire pack of Oreos we opened just this morning.

— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) February 1, 2021