Thinking about throwing away some screws my husband has had sitting on our counter for 6 months

Taylor Schumann (@taylorsschumann) October 6, 2024

oh your husbands a lawyer? well my husband is the head coach of an imaginary football team four months out of every year

Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) October 3, 2024

FYI telling your wife she seems grumpy does not help the situation.

Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 5, 2024

Ive been married so long that when I commented to my MIL about how something my husband did was her fault for raising him that way, she responded with: hes lived with you for longer. I was not prepared for this

Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) October 7, 2024

My husband told me not to worry about doing any housework today and he would take care of it since Im not feeling well.

Is this sex?

Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) October 5, 2024

My husband's parents are coming to town today and I genuinely don't know if it's more to see the dogs or meet the baby.

Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) October 4, 2024

One of my favorite songs is "Ain't No Sunshine" by Bill Withers, and I tell my wife that every time it's on the radio.
She says, "I know, I know, I know, I know, I know..."

Eric Alper (@ThatEricAlper) October 4, 2024

Me: Id like a pumpkin ale.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE BEER

Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 1, 2024

If you married me, your T-shirts are my pajamas. No negotiations.

your other spooky mom (@difficultpatty) October 4, 2024

My husband and I are both giving each other the silent treatment, and honestly... it's the most peace and quiet I've had in years. Why didnt we think of this sooner?

sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) October 1, 2024

My husband just brought up the Roman Empire, Attila the Hun, AND Napoleon, so now I have a new idea for a drinking game

meghan (@deloisivete) October 5, 2024

My husband says he doesn't understand why I hate grocery shopping so much, because he doesn't mind it. And by "grocery shopping," he means a quick run to the store for ice cream, treats, and snacks. You know, the "essentials."

Hollie Harris (@allholls) October 1, 2024

once youre married the I-do turn into to-dos

Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) October 4, 2024

Just tried to explain the Costco guys and the Rizzler to my wife and shes never looked more disgusted to be married to me in my life

BuccoCapital Bloke (@buccocapital) October 6, 2024

In the Target toy aisles-

No, please put that back

I said we arent buying anything today

You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!

- and thats just me to my husband

mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) October 6, 2024

My wife texted from the grocery store to ask what we needed

I replied "fruits and veggies"

She brought home lunch meat and bread

Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) October 3, 2024

My husband and I went to our favorite restaurant for happy hour that started at 5pm. We just safely arrived home via Uber. 10/10 do recommend doing this as you can drink at 1/2 price for an hour then stay to spend ridiculous amounts of money for the same drinks you have at home.

Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) October 5, 2024

My husband said he's especially happy we have a baby now because we need a new voting member of the house to break up the current supermajority (the dogs always vote with me) and I don't have the heart to tell him the baby has already joined our voting block.

Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) October 4, 2024

Me: I wish I were a bird.

Husband: So you can fly?

Me: No. So I can sh*t on people.

Husband: "If youre a bird, Im a bird."

sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) October 2, 2024

I dont watch boy sports but my wife does and for some reason she still wants me to sit with her even though the whole time the Brewers are on Im like: Is this when the sausages run? Is it time for the sausages to run? When do the sausages run? Babe wheres the sausages?

Heather Hogan (@theheatherhogan) October 2, 2024