Tonight my husband said, "can I tell you something without tact and you can't get mad at me because I'm so sleep deprived?"

We love a man who communicates.

Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) October 11, 2024

Husband: wow that's cool you drew on your eyebrows you have never done that before

Me: apparently you have never looked at my face

Ashley Winter MD || Urologist (@AshleyGWinter) October 13, 2024

Wife: I love that we finish each other's-

Me: Drinks?

W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE'S MY

Me: Margarita?

Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 12, 2024

husband: do you know where the thing is

me: could I buy a noun

meghan (@deloisivete) October 14, 2024

Wife is out of town, so I've got the whole bed to myself. Time to sprawl out like a starfish and enjoy every inch*

*I slept in my usual two-foot sliver

Dad Moon Rising (@raoulvilla) October 13, 2024

I swear to god Im like one bad day away from my husband coming home to a rescue seal in the bathtub

Jonathan Edward Durham (@thisone0verhere) October 10, 2024

A haunted house, but it's a room full of husbands and kids asking "What's for dinner?" over and over.

Hollie Harris (@allholls) October 8, 2024

Me: finally got my dream car, now when is my dream man gonna come along?

My husband:

Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) October 10, 2024

Me: Wow I just sneezed seven times in a row.

Wife [now awake]: NO KIDDING

Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 13, 2024

My husband gets back from a three week trip tomorrow and I hope he liked his vacation from being the subject of my tweets.

krista pacion (@kristabellerina) October 13, 2024

My husband told me I need to keep an eye on my spending. Well, from where Im standing, Im doing an excellent jobbecause Ive been watching my Amazon cart grow all day!

sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) October 8, 2024

Husband: I don't think I ever cried because of joy until I had a baby.

Me: that's not true. I remember you crying at our wedding.

Husband: . . . . . . . . . .

Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) October 13, 2024

Hey babe, are you my 47th open browser tab, because you are not responding

meghan (@deloisivete) October 9, 2024

Marked safe from having the gene that causes people to maniacally clean their house when they find out that someone is coming over to visit. I cannot say the same is true for my wife.

Dad Moon Rising (@raoulvilla) October 10, 2024

You want to be a hero?

Go with your wife to return all the stuff she ordered online from Nordstrom Rack and wait in the long return line while she does more shopping.

Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) October 13, 2024

When my husband is dead asleep, if I start talking to him, hell say mmhm. mmhm. at the right times as if hes genuinely listening, and all I have to say is, some of you could do better when youre awake

Carissa (@CarissasNewLife) October 10, 2024

Im one of those lesbians who loves: 1) women and 2) basketball more than almost anything. So, like, I root for my team (Liberty) hard, but I also just love love love the WNBA. My wife though? NAPHEESA IS OUR ENEMY FOR THE NEXT WEEK FOCUS UP AND LOCK IN!!!!

Heather Hogan (@theheatherhogan) October 9, 2024

I love when my husband comes to the grocery store with me. It turns a quick trip into an epic game of hide-and-seek, and somehow, Im always it.

sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) October 10, 2024

WIFE: *on our wedding night* Don't you think today was just perfect?

ME: [remembering how I wanted a Flintstones themed wedding but was told no] I yabba dabba doo not Sharon, tbh.

F NF (@sofarrsogud) October 10, 2024

If you want to hide something from your husband, put it in the toolbox after youve given him a Honey Do list.

krista pacion (@kristabellerina) October 11, 2024