Me: brutally murdered and found dumped on the side of the highway
Two 35yr old women with a podcast: ok murder muffins we got a real oopy goopy spoopy story for you today!
Squarespace ad: ARE YOU LOOKING TO EXPAND Y

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dads love to take traffic personally

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What do you want for your birthday?
*forgets everything Ive ever wanted in life*

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my uber driver took a call on speaker and its his mom accusing him of stealing her credit card and spending $6400. obv giving 5 stars, love this drama.

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The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky

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i didn't know two of the wiggles were married and then broke up but kept performing together. the fleetwood mac of childrens entertainment

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the girl boss is dead, long live the girl moss (lying on the floor of the forest and being absorbed back into nature)

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The lady who stamped my passport asked why I was going to Italy and I said a vacation with my friends and she looked me up and down and said well where are your friends

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love that cats get irritated and walk away after you accidentally move 1 inch. what if you saw someone eating and they fumbled with their napkin and you just went ugh and left the restaurant

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Men will literally use your beauty products in the shower and not even know what its for. Leave my dark spot exfoliating scrub alone!!!!!

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Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife's plans for the second time.

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Me coming home from the pub so pissed that I try to make myself some toast using my handbag instead of the toaster. pic.twitter.com/9FSCVXcb0G

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I love saying \"absolutely not\" saying \"no\" just aint dramatic enough for me

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Unsolicited career advice: Go to school for what you love, even if it wont make you money. Study classic languages. Make a few really close friends. Go poisonous mushroom hunting together. Cover up the death of your close friend with a well timed blizzard.

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Cooking for 3 hours losing your appetite by the time u done cooking.

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everyone was freaking out when winona ryder shoplifted a cashmere marc jacobs sweater 20 years ago and now shes the face of their brand for the second time since getting arrested. proof you should never stop shoplifting

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father son and holy ghost pic.twitter.com/672TPg9l0w

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I tell such good stories my therapist should pay ME.

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i deleted my IG literally 36 mins ago and this man just texted me saying that he cant believe i blocked him

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i understand why old people type like this...... it's so addicting...... like a bitch just be trailing off...... ominously.... who knows..

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