Every gifts for him list was written by someone who last met a man in 2005 and even then it was a brief meeting.

— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) November 28, 2021

I was planning to do some house cleaning but I can't find a hair tie so I'm sure you understand that absolutely nothing productive will be occuring at this time

— CC (@CCRuns) November 29, 2021

I dont know who decided restaurants would serve bread before meals but I would like to find that person and give them a big sloppy kiss on the mouth

— ellie schnitt (@holy_schnitt) November 30, 2021

My neighbor passed me in the hallway and asked me if everythings good. I said yea why. She said she heard me screaming at a man this morning for disrespecting me. So I had to explain to her than the large disrespectful man in question is actually a cat named Raheem

— Olayemi Olurin (@msolurin) November 28, 2021

My inbox right now: You stupid bitch! We offered you 30% off this weekend and you didnt buy ANYTHING. We are going to kill you.

— Maggie? Winters? (@saggiesplinters) November 29, 2021

my dad visited the other day and asked me for an hour if i knew what them white clams are and it took me a whole day before i realized he was asking about white claw

— Kiss my Fat Ash (@Tobi_Is_Fab) November 29, 2021

I put on yoga pants hoping it would get me to exercise, but that was three years ago, so I don't think it worked.

— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) November 29, 2021

there was a point in the 90s where all white men aged 24-29 looked like Sugar Ray

— Imani Gandy Cane (@AngryBlackLady) November 29, 2021

I'm just a woman, standing in front of an automatic water faucet, asking it to recognize her soaped up hands for at least 20 seconds

— Stacey Burns (@WentRogue) November 30, 2021

starting a job feels like youre a new character on the tenth season of a tv show

— (@3dLooks) November 30, 2021

Is there a more hot name than Diego Luna? And then, hes so hot too. It all worked out so perfectly

— Mindy Kaling (@mindykaling) November 30, 2021

Earlier this AM, my wife and I were walking our dog and got catcalled. The man said, dont you ladies walk by looking like that! Then he realized we were holding hands and clarified with yall can hold hands! Just dont look that good! He didnt wanna seem homophobic Im

— Maybe: Lauren Ashley Smith (@msLAS) November 29, 2021

spotify the only tech company to figure out how to successfully rebrand "we've been tracking you" to "isn't this FUN"

— Delia Cai (@delia_cai) December 1, 2021

Having lived during a plague, I now understand why most renaissance paintings were voluptuous women, lying bra-less on couches.

— Emergency&BushfireKits (@EmergencyBK) November 29, 2021

The older I get, the longer I need to sit in the car before going inside the grocery store.

— Akilah Green (@akilahgreen) November 29, 2021

you're not the boss of me! my dog is the boss of me, everything revolves around this damn dog

— Kristen Arnett (@Kristen_Arnett) November 30, 2021

I do not dress for the male gaze I dress for my psychiatrist to say cute sweater! when she sees me once a month

— ellie schnitt (@holy_schnitt) November 30, 2021

Hey automated voicemail things why dont you start by telling me the mailbox is full instead of making me listen to you read a phone number for twelve minutes first

— Lauren Lapkus (@laurenlapkus) November 30, 2021

Was IDd twice in one day, thats the highlight of my year

— Christmas Krysta (@krystaunclear) November 29, 2021

I bet Jesus feels honored by the Groot, Star Wars and random assortment of superhero ornaments strewn about my Christmas tree.

— your other merry mom (@difficultpatty) December 1, 2021