microwave: congratulations! your bowl is now piping hot

me: amazing! and the food too?

microwave: slow down there buddy

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i just heard my neighbor crying which means unfortunately she could probably hear me singing monster mash in different voices

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...I did not realize how much I apparently hate unfinished wood https://t.co/1V4rUWhzHL

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Thinking about the time I drunkenly spilled an entire bowl of soup on my new macbook & then tried to tell the apple store it just broke out of nowhere & then the guy had to look me in the eye & say we opened it up and theres justso much soup in herelike chunks of carrots..

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Living in nyc will have you like damn if i hadnt taken that sip of water i couldve caught the train

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obviously therapists go to other therapists. but who's at the very top? do they know everyone's secrets?

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Me: Im hungry

My fridge: I have lots of tasty food inside if you wanna cook somet-

Me: not like that

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Id be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a bloody message appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.

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Clients: how long have you been a Makeup Artist?

Me: pic.twitter.com/LaQjQNNNyK

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Squid Game is so captivating because its about mans greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project

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being in your twenties is all about getting coffee and walking around

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I will not pic.twitter.com/8FwqeyL2So

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Sometimes during sex I get jealous of how many calories the guy is burning

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man at this bar is describing in great detail exactly what a deviled egg is to his date, a woman who already told him twice that shes had them before

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why is walking to the bathroom in a restaurant so embarrassing

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You cant say Women anymore, you have to say happy holidays

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my kitten has discovered her reflection pic.twitter.com/WGlCQ6k9TP

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Doctor: here is ur baby. it's a boy. congratulations

Ms Kelly, crying tears of joy: I'm going to call him machine gun

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no drug in the world compares to bothering my cat

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I used to be in class like: \" got 40 mins left, two 20 min halves. Just gotta get through 10 mins, 4 times. \"

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