just had what was a successful social interaction until I concluded it by wishing the other person a good time visiting the restroom

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when my dentist gave me laughing gas for the first time i was so high i spent the appt thinking of how to impress her. the best i could come up with was asking her do you see me as just a mouth and teeth or am i a person to you? i was like this is so deep shes gonna freak

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Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF

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Told some people in my office that I don't love root vegetables and my British coworker said, in utter disbelief, \"Even parsnips?\"

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A guy asked me what it was like to be a woman in the workplace and another guy answered for me.

Nailed it.

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its nice that taylor swift is visiting her stadiums while they turn into mojo dojo casa houses for the football season

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Babe, whats wrong? Youve barely chugged your Eggo Brunch in a Jar Appalachian Sippin Cream pic.twitter.com/rKPDboLqRJ

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a candle is just a pet fire

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Wait, there are people who leave home to run a few errands, and they *don't* return home feeling absolutely pummeled by exhaustion from being around people and having to make basic decisions? Weird if true!!!

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thought i was flying to new york but apparently theyre just fucking kidding ?? pic.twitter.com/zgt5XNPHSa

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a lady posted on nextdoor \"does anyone recognize this man? i've seen him at least 4 times at the train station near my house.\" it turned out to be a guy who was commuting to work every day

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i always forget that the masked singer is a real show and not like a subplot on 30 rock

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i do not have a cat pic.twitter.com/BLygexCdXq

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Boy Math word problem: If Kevin sleeps with Brenda in September, integrates her into his friend group in October, takes her to a work event in November, and introduces her to his parents in December, in what month will Kevin tell Brenda, \"I'm not looking for anything serious.\"

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Obsessed with ayo edebiris dads review of bottoms pic.twitter.com/LRFlv4NsrI

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saw a garbage truck with the tagline our business stinks, but its picking up! pretty good imo

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gossip girl would be so different in a post-uber new york city. serena would say i have to go and then wait 6-8 minutes at the street corner for her uber black

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cameras need to go back to trying to make people look as sexy as possible shits starting to look like a spongebob closeup this is insane

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pov: you texted your boy bestie hi pic.twitter.com/jkd3YnQAVH

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My favorite ever nonverbal interaction was the time a mom was pointing to my window, excitedly showing her daughter the 3 kittens that were sitting and looking out. We made eye contact, and she looked briefly embarrassed before I reached down next to me and held up a 4th kitten

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when a girl doesn't post her boyfriend i think understandable! privacy is everything, when a guy doesn't post his girlfriend i think Wow what a trashcan

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me when im using gps and realize im walking the wrong way pic.twitter.com/a94CNcJzZm

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Giving my classroom gluesticks human names has been revolutionary. Does a student care if a glue stick goes missing? No! Do they care if DEREK the glue stick has not been returned? ABSOLUTELY. Its like a manhunt until Derek has been returned to his rightful spot.

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hey i just saw an abandoned building being slowly reclaimed by nature and thought of you

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leonardo dicaprio has announced hes switching to bing https://t.co/4gzIjw83VA

sophie (@netcapgirl) September 27, 2023","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"sophie","author_url":"https://twitter.com/netcapgirl","cache_age":86400,"description":"leonardo dicaprio has announced hes switching to bing https://t.co/4gzIjw83VA sophie (@netcapgirl) September 27, 2023\n\n","options":{"_hide_media":{"label":"Hide photos, videos, and cards","value":false},"_maxwidth":{"label":"Adjust width","placeholder":"220-550, in px","value":""},"_theme":{"value":"","values":{"dark":"Use dark theme"}}},"provider_name":"Twitter","title":"sophie on Twitter / 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Where do bad rainbows go?

To prism. Its a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.

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\"wakanda for chickens\" easily the funniest thing i've read in years https://t.co/fvjrrhSjOK

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Gen Z is so spoiled. When I was 16 we didn't have GPS telling us how to get to school. You just had to wake up and drive around each morning until you found a school. And if you didn't find a school for that day? You had to create your own school like in the movie Accepted.

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I stopped by the thrift store down the street today and... pic.twitter.com/pH737GuPvH

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hey sorry i missed your text i realized im going to have to keep responding to texts for the rest of my life and i got really tired

trash jones (@jzux) September 28, 2023","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"trash jones","author_url":"https://twitter.com/jzux","cache_age":86400,"description":"hey sorry i missed your text i realized im going to have to keep responding to texts for the rest of my life and i got really tired trash jones (@jzux) September 28, 2023\n\n","options":{"_maxwidth":{"label":"Adjust width","placeholder":"220-550, in px","value":""},"_theme":{"value":"","values":{"dark":"Use dark theme"}}},"provider_name":"Twitter","title":"trash jones on Twitter / 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