HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when were buying takeout?

ME: Its my warm up sandwich.

— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) February 7, 2019

wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it's not working

— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) February 8, 2019

I married my wife just so people would have something to like about me.

— Aunt Chelle (@ravenswng_) January 5, 2019

Me: Alexa start the coffee maker.

Wife: For the last time, we dont have an Alexa AND YOU CAN MAKE YOUR OWN DAMN COFFEE!!

Me: Alexa off.

— Oaks (@OakHill_) February 6, 2019

Oh to have the confidence of my husband who started a 2hr movie at 10:20pm.

— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) February 16, 2019

Wife: How was your day today?

Me: There was a cat giving people high fives on the street but when I tried it started licking its butt.

Wife: Sometimes fine is a good answer too.

— F NF (@sofarrsogud) February 12, 2019

My husband proposed two days after Valentine's day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday

— C (@shesatornado) February 15, 2019

[wife gets in bed]

her: can you grab my chapstick?

me: [grabbing the two on her dresser] which one

her: ooo not those grab the one in my purse

me: [rummaging] none in here

her: k grab either the bathroom one or the kitchen one

me: what...what the fuck is happening right now

— Skoog (@Skoogeth) January 29, 2019

Before marriage, I would sit at stop lights for hours because I had no one to tell me the light had changed to green.

— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) February 8, 2019

My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.

— The Dad Briefs (@SladeWentworth) February 10, 2019

Sometimes love looks like your husband destroying your clean kitchen but you keep your mouth shut because the guy can cook.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) February 18, 2019

For some reason, when I have a cold, my doctor tells my wife to take the aspirin.

— Jester D (@JustMeTurtle) February 11, 2019

Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband's truck.

— (@3sunzzz) February 9, 2019

We are three days into a discussion about if getting a toaster oven would be worth sacrificing the counter space. Marriage is wild yall.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 11, 2019

My husband took my leftovers to work with him. Does anyone know a good divorce lawyer?

— Shay (@justsomegirl81) February 4, 2019

My wife just used two paper plates to warm up leftovers in the microwave like we're some kind of millionaires.

— Boyd's Backyard (@TheBoydP) February 11, 2019

Youre married now. Informing your partner that youre feeling gassy while youre having sex is just part of the routine.

— Katie Didn't (@Pork_Chop_Hair) August 13, 2018

My wife asked me to do a juice cleanse with her. Its going good so far. After 6 hours of using the juice maker, we were able to extract almost a gallon of juice from four truckloads of fruits and vegetables.

— Oaks (@OakHill_) February 12, 2019

Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, its annoying but youre settled and too lazy to find another seat.

— Darlin Darla (@Darlainky) February 7, 2019

Snoring dog=loving affection
Snoring husband=seething rage

— jan (@JJSummertime) February 17, 2019

Marriage is reminding one about a conversation you know you had while the other swears it never happened.

— ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz) February 7, 2019

Wife: your birthday is coming up so dont buy yourself anything for the next month

Me: ok I wont.

[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]

Wife:

Me: starting now.

— Oops!...I Dad It Again (@NewDadNotes) February 8, 2019

Magically, my wife texted me more items for the grocery list once I was in the parking lot having completed the initial grocery list.

— Dad Bits (@DadBits) February 5, 2019

Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.

Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.

— Son of Dad (@ThugRaccoons) May 16, 2018

My husband asked if Id like to go out to dinner & then got on a work call so now Im sitting here eating Cheez-its paired with a nice Merlot.

I give it 4 out of 5 stars, for level of difficulty & no dishes were involved.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) February 13, 2019

My husband likes to leave the foil seal still attached to the Pringles so that I dont know theyve been opened until theyre almost gone.

— Ash. (@ShouldBeASHamed) February 7, 2019

Instead of yelling my husband's name when I need him I'm just gonna scream OH MY GOD YOU CAN ALMOST SEE HER NIPPLE!

— Cathryn (@AngryRaccoon2) February 11, 2019

My wife almost threw away a bottle of salsa that still had enough for 1 chip. Long story short, we're now in marriage counseling.

— Daddys Digest (@daddysdigest) February 14, 2019

All Im saying is I never realized how many things could be monogrammed until I got married.

— Boyd's Backyard (@TheBoydP) February 12, 2019

wife: I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE
me, wearing corduroy shorts: what's wrong honey

— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) February 16, 2019

Texting my wife 300 times while doing the grocery shopping to clarify every item on the list and also to ask what size and how many and which aisle is why I dont have to go grocery shopping any more.

— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) February 9, 2019

You may be married but you arent married married until you are in a home furnishings store together and you brought your own tape measure.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 12, 2019

I see your bloodhound and Ill raise you my wife knowing everything I ate and drank in the last 8 hrs just by smelling my breath.

— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) February 16, 2019

Were currently showing our home & still living there.

My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look cleaner.

I preheated the oven to make dinner.

Were going to be arguing about this for awhile.

— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) February 17, 2019

Marriage is a great way to be sarcastically reminded of that asinine comment you said 12 years ago.

— Daddys Digest (@daddysdigest) February 17, 2019

Me: Babe, can you bring me a fruit snack when you come back?

Husband: *brings me grapes*

Me: What is this? I specifically asked for corn syrup.

— Emily Greene (@EmAsInMoney) February 8, 2019