Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?

Me: Because she agrees with me.

Also me, to me: Is he always like this?

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 20, 2018

Wife: You want to come upstairs?

Me: Hell yes!

Wife: I was talking to the dog.

— Bart (@jbmsoccerdad) November 11, 2018

NEWLYWEDS: [bump into each other in the hallway] awwww cmere *start making out*

MARRIED 10 YEARS: [bump into each other in hallway]

ME: OMG WHY DID YOU KEEP WALKING WHEN I CLEARLY HAD THE RIGHT OF WAY

HIM: I HAVE A HEAVY LAUNDRY BASKET

— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) November 29, 2018

Marriage is fun because i asked my husband to please fix the sink and he started talking about how he should add a floor over the living room because it's wasted space, then watched DIY on house flipping and said he could do that, then took a nap and the sink is still broken.

— Elisabeth (@YourMomsucksTho) November 28, 2018

HUSBAND: All I want for Christmas is you.

ME: *burps*

— Candy Cane Shank (@sixfootcandy) December 6, 2018

Be right back...have to passive-aggressively ask my wife if shes done with the cereal she finished an hour ago, or if I can put the box away.

— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) December 6, 2018

Wife: I love that we finish each other's-

Me: Drinks?

W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE'S MY

Me: Margarita?

— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) February 9, 2018

I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, TURN THAT DOWN IM TRYING TO SLEEP!

— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) October 26, 2018

I begged my husband to go to a movie with me and he asked if it was a chick flick and I said no and then he asked if it had people killing each other and I said sure and halfway through the movie he asked when the killing would start. THE MOVIE WAS INSTANT FAMILY

— Tracie Tom (@tracietom) December 8, 2018

H: What's the best thing about being married?

Me: Having someone to help me get the duvet back into its cover.

— Northern Lights (@PinkCamoTO) November 25, 2018

Me: Did you know a guard llama can kill coyotes?

Wife: We're not getting a llama.

It's like she doesn't even want to protect our kids.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 30, 2018

Cant, Im in big trouble with the wife. I couldnt convince the store to take both coupons she sent me with.

— Boyd's Backyard (@TheBoydP) November 20, 2018

I like to spice up my marriage by
asking my husband what he wants
for dinner and then rejecting every
single one of his suggestions.

— MacgyveringMom22 (@MacgyveringM22) June 25, 2018

WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?

ME: *climbing in* I can try

— clean slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) December 9, 2018

My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.

— SpacedMom (@copymama) December 5, 2018

"Because the greaaaatest love of all...is happening to meeeeeeee"

*hears husband snoring*

I hate him with the fire of a thousand suns.

— Cathryn (@AngryRaccoon2) December 7, 2018

How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird

— Elisabeth (@YourMomsucksTho) November 25, 2018

Of course I'm married, somebody has to open the canned biscuits.

— (@3sunzzz) December 5, 2018

Until I met my wife, I had no idea there was a wrong way to butter toast.

— e4moji (@e4nc1) November 27, 2018

Three months.

That's how long my husband stood by and watched me water a fake plant.

— Mommy Jeerist (@Mommy_jeerist) December 4, 2018

Im a damn grown man and Ill do what the hell I want when I want to!!!

*me, five minutes before I drive my wife to Costco.

— Bart (@jbmsoccerdad) September 5, 2018

marriage is a lot like google maps you re either sticking to the designated route or recalculating

— velour sweatpants (@Glennot73) November 10, 2018

If you enjoy offering to do things you have no intention of doing, marriage might be right for you.

— Darla (@ddsmidt) November 26, 2018

I made cucumber salad last week & today in the grocery store, my husband said "I liked that thing you did with the cucumber last week! Ya wanna do that again?" real loud....as a silence fell upon the crowd in the Kroger produce dept

— Clumsy (@Dani21013) July 22, 2018

Wife texting - Did you buy gift tags for the presents?

Me - Yes but you may want to pick up some more on your way home.

(Me and the dog staring at each other wearing gift tag masks)

— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) December 4, 2018

Wife: I cant believe you said that

Me: Ive grown a lot since then

Wife: It was like 20 seconds ago

Me: That is not the man I am now

— The Dadvocate (@thedadvocate01) December 10, 2018

Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.

[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) November 29, 2018

My husband once went to get us McDonalds breakfast but forgot to take my order and left his phone home, so he took his best guess at what I wanted but came home with no hash brown and I have to say, it tested our marriage.

— SpacedMom (@copymama) October 13, 2018

Ive hiked the coldest parts of Canada and have nearly froze to death visiting the North Pole, but nothing...is as cold as my wifes feet in bed.

— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) September 21, 2018

My husband bought a steamer because I don't iron. I wonder how long it's going to take him to figure out that I don't steam?

— (@3sunzzz) December 9, 2018