After many heart to heart talks my husband and I have decided at this stage of our marriage to go ahead and get separate tubes of toothpaste.

— sophielou (@sophielou) January 10, 2018

If you need me, Im the guy waiting for his wife at TJ Maxx standing next to the mannequin in the same shirt as me which she also apparently bought at TJ Maxx pretty recently.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 10, 2018

Its finally getting warm enough for me to live a life free from my husbands jacket on the back of a kitchen chair.

— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) May 27, 2018

Marriage is just 37% apologizing for putting something through the dryer you werent supposed to.

— Jurisdoc (@jurisdoc741) May 29, 2018

It should take about an hour.

- my husband, describing something thats going to take him at least 6 hours to do

— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) May 26, 2018

Wife: That's what you're wearing?

Me: Yes.

Wife:

Me: No.

Wife:

Me: Can I phone a friend?

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) June 5, 2018

Him: Lets go out tonight.
Me: Ok. Where do you want to go?
Him: I dont care. You decide.
Me: I dont care. Surprise me.
Him: *falls asleep on couch*

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) April 29, 2018

Im going to give my husband what he really wants for Fathers Day... for 24 hours Im not going to touch the thermostat.

— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) June 6, 2018

My wife loves that show about pleasant English people getting excited about pastry.

— Jack Boot (@IamJackBoot) June 10, 2018

Me: I disagree. Slim Jims and Cheez Whiz are perfectly acceptable to make a charcuterie board for our picnic

Wife:

— zack (@Mr_Kapowski) June 1, 2018

I dont know how my husband expects me to be able to recognize him at the pool when hes wearing his swim shoes.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) June 7, 2018

I got married so that I can be autocorrected even when my phone is off.

— Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) February 15, 2014

For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.

— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) March 31, 2018

wife on Facebook: My husbands making dinner! The perfect end to a perfect birthday!

wife to me: Chicken nuggets? Are you fucking serious?

— Josh (@iwearaonesie) April 5, 2018

HUSBAND: your low tire pressure light is on

ME: is that the little exclamation point?

HUSBAND: yup

ME: oh i thought that was cuz I do such a good job driving

HUSBAND:

— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) May 24, 2018

If you dont get in a fight with your husband over a hypothetical situation, are you really even married?

— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) April 14, 2018

Kid, Did you feel that? Was that an earthquake?
Husband, No it was just your mother coming down the stairs.

And that, folks, is how to end a marriage in 10 words or less.

— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) April 19, 2018

*spends 45 minutes at grocery store trying to pick out a good tomato*

[back at home]

WIFE: they didnt have any better tomatoes?

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) May 23, 2018

How about a nice romantic night together? We can lay in bed, watch a movie, and snuggle. How does that sound?

Sounds great babe my husband says from the other room.

Should we tell him I was talking to you? I say to my dogs.

— Stacey (@skittle624) June 9, 2018

-Loofafah, extra firm
-Hair Clipchess
-Zippler
-Farafs
-Lip embalmentation in red

When I need some quiet time, I send my husband to the store with a list of made-up words.

— Marl (@Marlebean) April 26, 2018

Level of married: Im taking a 6-day trip without my husband and his only concern seems to be that I leave him a weeks worth of clean underwear.

— Darlin Darla (@Darlainky) May 31, 2018

Me: Hey.
Wife: Hey.
Me: I love you.
Wife: I love you, too.
...
...
Wife: What did you do.

— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) March 7, 2018

My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and Im getting a little worried about my cake.

— Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) June 9, 2018

Thanks to HGTV my wife is going to be pretty disappointed if the person we hire for home renovations isnt also super attractive.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 22, 2018

My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so hes basically asking for a divorce.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) April 8, 2018

Ill do it later.

-husbands

— Suki (@skickwriter) June 1, 2018

WIFE: oh yeah baby, keep doing it just like that

ME: *picking kids coats up off the floor and hanging them in the closet*

— eric (@ericsshadow) March 23, 2018

[walking into Home Depot]

WIFE: now if you're good, you can have one toy from the tool aisle

DAD: YAY

— Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) June 7, 2018

Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?

Wife: Ewan McGreggor

Me: Thank you but you can only pick one

— Octopus/Caveman (@OctopusCavemann) June 6, 2018

My wife just said thats definitely your daughter after our 3 yr old muttered incomprehensible gibberish, laughed out loud, and said very proudly, I made a funny joke!

— Spencer Higgins (@SpencerHH) March 18, 2018