I have a dentist appointment first thing tomorrow morning.

If you need me, I'll be cramming six months worth of flossing into one night.

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My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?

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Invention idea: A dentist drill that sounds like a lovely, melodious harp.

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DENTAL HYGIENIST: your teeth and gums are moments from death. Quit your job so you can floss 16 times an hour. I hate you!
DENTIST: looks good!

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I don't make dentist appointments, I make nitrous oxide appointments.

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Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.

Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) August 26, 2014","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"Abe Yospe","author_url":"https://twitter.com/Cheeseboy22","cache_age":86400,"description":"Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs. 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Dentist: ok open up

\"Well I guess it all started when my dad left...\"

Dentist: no I mean-

Assistant: wait bill...let him finish

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Going to the dentist is a great way to remind yourself what a coward you are.

Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) February 14, 2012","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"Jim Gaffigan","author_url":"https://twitter.com/JimGaffigan","cache_age":86400,"description":"Going to the dentist is a great way to remind yourself what a coward you are. 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I get the same feeling at the dentist that I get when a cop car is behind me; I haven't done anything wrong, but I feel incredibly guilty.

Anna Kendrick (@AnnaKendrick47) September 30, 2014","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"Anna Kendrick","author_url":"https://twitter.com/AnnaKendrick47","cache_age":86400,"description":"I get the same feeling at the dentist that I get when a cop car is behind me; I haven't done anything wrong, but I feel incredibly guilty. 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Jaws wide open, gums & teeth exposed, the last thing you want is a good-looking dentist! #iForgotToFloss

Pattie Mallette (@pattiemallette) June 8, 2013","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"Pattie Mallette","author_url":"https://twitter.com/pattiemallette","cache_age":86400,"description":"Jaws wide open, gums & teeth exposed, the last thing you want is a good-looking dentist! #iForgotToFloss Pattie Mallette (@pattiemallette) June 8, 2013\n\n","provider_name":"Twitter","title":"Pattie Mallette on 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To sound important, when my dentist books my appointment 6 months away and asks, \"Does 10am work?\", I say,\"Ugh, busy. How about 2?\".

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When my kids assure me they will clean up their mess, I know how my dentist must feel when I assure him I will floss.

The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) June 19, 2017","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"The ParentNormal","author_url":"https://twitter.com/ParentNormal","cache_age":86400,"description":"When my kids assure me they will clean up their mess, I know how my dentist must feel when I assure him I will floss. 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The day you have a dentist appointment really makes you appreciate all the other days you didn't have a dentist appointment.

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Dentist numbed my mouth this morning. Turns out I'd rather dribble coffee all over my chest than wait 1 more hour to drink coffee.

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MY DENTIST ASKED HIS ASSISTANT TO SUCTION (THE WATER OUT OF MY MOUTH)BUT I THOUGHT HE WAS TALKING TO ME SO I SUCKED HIS FINGER. IM MORTIFIED

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*tries to quietly unwrap a tootsie roll during a dental cleaning*

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Dentist: (cleaning my teeth) Do you floss every day?

Me: (gargling on blood) Yes, why?

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[dentist chair]
how's school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn't in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how's school?

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my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist

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Dentist: I'm going to take your tooth out

Me: Ok then

[later that evening]

Dentist: Well this is nice

My tooth: I'm having a lovely time

AnOnion (@onion_an) June 10, 2015","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"AnOnion","author_url":"https://twitter.com/onion_an","cache_age":86400,"description":"Dentist: I'm going to take your tooth outMe: Ok then[later that evening]Dentist: Well this is niceMy tooth: I'm having a lovely time AnOnion (@onion_an) June 10, 2015\n\n","provider_name":"Twitter","title":"AnOnion on 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[at dentist]
\"Are you remembering to floss?\"

Oh ya, Dr, totally.

\"...u sure?\"

Yup.

\"Cuz it looks like-\"

I REMEMBER, I JUST DON'T DO IT.

Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) July 13, 2015","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"Reverend Scott","author_url":"https://twitter.com/Reverend_Scott","cache_age":86400,"description":"[at dentist]\"Are you remembering to floss?\"Oh ya, Dr, totally.\"...u sure?\"Yup.\"Cuz it looks like-\"I REMEMBER, I JUST DON'T DO IT. Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) July 13, 2015\n\n","provider_name":"Twitter","title":"Reverend Scott on 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Flossing the day of a dentist appointment feels a lot like cramming for a history test you didn't study for but with more blood.

Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 31, 2015","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"Simon Holland","author_url":"https://twitter.com/simoncholland","cache_age":86400,"description":"Flossing the day of a dentist appointment feels a lot like cramming for a history test you didn't study for but with more blood. 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I'm glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.

ShotofCherye (@CheryeDavis) January 14, 2014","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"ShotofCherye","author_url":"https://twitter.com/CheryeDavis","cache_age":86400,"description":"I'm glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment. 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Dentist: *asks me a complex question about my life*

Me: Well-

Dentist: *shoves his hand inside my mouth*

James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 3, 2016","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn","author_url":"https://twitter.com/XplodingUnicorn","cache_age":86400,"description":"Dentist: *asks me a complex question about my life*Me: Well-Dentist: *shoves his hand inside my mouth* James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 3, 2016\n\n","provider_name":"Twitter","title":"James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn on 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I've never been caught cheating on a test, but I did just run into my dentist at the mall while eating cotton candy.

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Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.

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Me: what should I do?

Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..

Me: right but like realistically

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[At Dentist]
Dentist: When was the last time you flossed?
Me: When was my last appointment?
Dentist: 8 months ago
Me: 8 months & one day ago

Tim (@Playing_Dad) October 23, 2017","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"Tim","author_url":"https://twitter.com/Playing_Dad","cache_age":86400,"description":"[At Dentist]Dentist: When was the last time you flossed?Me: When was my last appointment?Dentist: 8 months agoMe: 8 months & one day ago Tim (@Playing_Dad) October 23, 2017\n\n","provider_name":"Twitter","title":"Tim on 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Schedule your dentist appointment early in the month so you can do the hidden picture in the Highlights magazine before some kid ruins it.

Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 4, 2017","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"Simon Holland","author_url":"https://twitter.com/simoncholland","cache_age":86400,"description":"Schedule your dentist appointment early in the month so you can do the hidden picture in the Highlights magazine before some kid ruins it. 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My dentist gives you a cookie at the end of each visit. A delicious, sugar-filled, cavity causing cookie. I see how this works now.

Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) January 19, 2018","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"Abe Yospe","author_url":"https://twitter.com/Cheeseboy22","cache_age":86400,"description":"My dentist gives you a cookie at the end of each visit. A delicious, sugar-filled, cavity causing cookie. I see how this works now. 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Why are dentist offices always playing home improvement shows on their tvs? Do they just want the sound of drills to be filling the air?

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Someday, I'd like to meet my dentist's kids. My teeth paid for their college. I'm part of the family, really.

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dentist: now you're gonna feel a little pinch
little kid: okay
*dentist pinches him*
dentist: that's for not flossing, you little shit

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COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I didn't floss?

DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-

Floyd (@dafloydsta) November 30, 2016","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"Floyd","author_url":"https://twitter.com/dafloydsta","cache_age":86400,"description":"COP: Know why I pulled you over?ME: Because I didn't floss?DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a- Floyd (@dafloydsta) November 30, 2016\n\n","provider_name":"Twitter","title":"Floyd on 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At what point does the dentist stop giving you toothbrushes? Dude, I'm forty. I have one.

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Turns out my dentist is not giving me a plaque for great teeth after all. He really hurt my fillings.

Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) April 6, 2017","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"Abe Yospe","author_url":"https://twitter.com/Cheeseboy22","cache_age":86400,"description":"Turns out my dentist is not giving me a plaque for great teeth after all. He really hurt my fillings. 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My dentist sent me a reminder postcard

And a reminder email

And a reminder text

If he shows up outside my window with a boombox, I'm out

James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 12, 2017","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn","author_url":"https://twitter.com/XplodingUnicorn","cache_age":86400,"description":"My dentist sent me a reminder postcardAnd a reminder emailAnd a reminder textIf he shows up outside my window with a boombox, I'm out James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 12, 2017\n\n","provider_name":"Twitter","title":"James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn on 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DENTIST: \"Now lie back and open your mouth\"
ME: \"Please stop flirting with me.\"

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Eating candy in the dentist's waiting room because I'm a bad ass.

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\"Does anyone know why these two should not be joined in holy matrimony?\"

[dentist yells from back] SHE'S NEVER FLOSSED

Floyd (@dafloydsta) November 20, 2015","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"Floyd","author_url":"https://twitter.com/dafloydsta","cache_age":86400,"description":"\"Does anyone know why these two should not be joined in holy matrimony?\"[dentist yells from back] SHE'S NEVER FLOSSED Floyd (@dafloydsta) November 20, 2015\n\n","provider_name":"Twitter","title":"Floyd on 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Dentist: \"It looks like you've ground these two teeth down. Why?\"
Me: \"I've had to open thousands of McDonald's ketchup packets this year.\"

Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) September 2, 2015","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"Abe Yospe","author_url":"https://twitter.com/Cheeseboy22","cache_age":86400,"description":"Dentist: \"It looks like you've ground these two teeth down. 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My four year old spends the entire 6 month period between teeth cleanings standing in the dentist's office trying to choose a toothbrush.

Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) June 8, 2016","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"Lurkin' Mom","author_url":"https://twitter.com/LurkAtHomeMom","cache_age":86400,"description":"My four year old spends the entire 6 month period between teeth cleanings standing in the dentist's office trying to choose a toothbrush. Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) June 8, 2016\n\n","provider_name":"Twitter","title":"Lurkin' Mom on 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[sits in dentist chair]
Just give me whatever made that kid scream \"IS THIS REAL LIFE\"

Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) May 31, 2017","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"Elizabeth Hackett","author_url":"https://twitter.com/LizHackett","cache_age":86400,"description":"[sits in dentist chair]Just give me whatever made that kid scream \"IS THIS REAL LIFE\" Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) May 31, 2017\n\n","provider_name":"Twitter","title":"Elizabeth Hackett on 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I like to sit in random dentist offices & start sobbing uncontrollably when a kid comes in

Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) October 29, 2011","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"Mary Charlene","author_url":"https://twitter.com/IamEnidColeslaw","cache_age":86400,"description":"I like to sit in random dentist offices & start sobbing uncontrollably when a kid comes in Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) October 29, 2011\n\n","provider_name":"Twitter","title":"Mary Charlene on 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*gives picture of a great white shark to dentist*
\"Yes I want a smile like that please\"

Noodles (@Dawn_M_) June 1, 2015","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"Noodles","author_url":"https://twitter.com/Dawn_M_","cache_age":86400,"description":"*gives picture of a great white shark to dentist*\"Yes I want a smile like that please\" Noodles (@Dawn_M_) June 1, 2015\n\n","provider_name":"Twitter","title":"Noodles on 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