How To Support A Loved One If They Come Out As Trans

Back in 2020, Juno and Umbrella Academy actor Elliot Page came out as transgender and nonbinary.

The 33-year-old actor wrote in an essay shared on Twitter and Instagram that he will be using the pronouns he and they.

I feel lucky to be writing this. To be here. To have arrived at this place in my life, he wrote .

Among the supportive messages the actor received in response were tweets from parents of trans kids, who, as one mom said , were grateful to see this kind of amplification and acceptance.

Page is, after all, someone many millennials and Gen Z-ers grew up with. The Canadian actor and producer is known for roles in the movies X-Men: The Last Stand, X-Men: Days of Future Past and Inception, as well as the recent Netflix series Umbrella Academy. His coming out is a clear win for visibility.

Some parents said they were most grateful that Page devoted much of his statement to highlighting the rampant and underreported violence faced by many trans and gender non-conforming people especially Black and Latinx trans women .

Thank you, Elliot. My daughter is trans, and the constant reminder of how her life can immediately be altered by some hate filled, ignorant individual worries a mother to no end. But I stay positive for her.

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Thank you, Elliot. My daughter is trans, and the constant reminder of how her life can immediately be altered by some hate filled, ignorant individual worries a mother to no end. But I stay positive for her.
Mbody Spirit (@mbodyspirit) December 1, 2020

Thank you, Elliot, said Daisy C ., an owner of a dog boarding business in Miami, in a reply to Pages tweet. My daughter is trans, and the constant reminder of how her life can immediately be altered by some hate filled, ignorant individual worries a mother to no end but I stay positive for her.

In an interview with HuffPost, Daisy, who asked to use her first name only to protect her familys privacy, said she saw Pages coming out as a teachable moment for parents of trans kids. Her own daughter came out as trans at the age of 26.

My immediate reaction was that of absolute calm, which is what I recommend all parents do, she said. As my (now) daughter was trembling when she was talking to me, I think my calmness made all the difference.

Of course, not every parent or relative of a transgender person will respond with as much grace or collectedness.

I had to aid her in telling her father, who took it hard, but I insisted he better look within and find the support for her that she needs, as it was so brave of her to come out, she said. I would not change a thing about how I approached this.

Dont ask 'Are you sure?' or 'How do you know?' Trust that theyve done the necessary interior work to arrive at this point.

Parents and close relatives play a vital role in helping someone transitioning, said Alexis Bleich , a social worker and the clinical director of Kip Therapy , a New York City therapy group specializing in gender, sexual and racial identities.

Coming out, or choosing to share parts of our identity, is a really vulnerable step to take, she said. The person is likely feeling a variety of intense emotions fear, excitement, anxiety and you can help them to feel safe and reassured just by thanking them for sharing with you.

Theres a lot to delve into when it comes to how to best support a trans and gender non-conforming person whos just come out to you. Below, parents of trans kids, as well as Bleich and other therapists who specialize in gender issues, share their best advice on how to be present and supportive.

Listen with empathy and keep your judgment at bay.

Coming out as transgender takes courage. When someone shares their experience with you, your primary job is to listen openly and without judgment. You dont have to understand the nuances of a persons transgender identity to respect it or show your family member the same baseline respect you would otherwise.

Theyre in the drivers seat here, so follow their lead, said Jay Bettergarcia , a psychologist who works with the LGBTQ+ community and is an assistant professor at California Polytechnic State University.

Do they want to tell you and move on quickly? Great! Move on, they said. Maybe they really want to tell you their story of coming out to know themselves and process it all with you? Great! Sit back and listen. Perhaps what they really want is to be reassured that you will love them no matter what? Great! Provide reassurance and support.

This news may come as a surprise to you or be hard to wrap your head around, but try to be what they need in this moment, Bettergarcia said.

Trust what theyre telling you, believe that their identity is valid and real, and show them your unconditional love and support.