How To Talk To Someone Who Won't Put Their Phone Down

Ever been out to eat with a friend who seems more engaged with TikTok videos or texts than you or their meal? Youve been phubbed!

Ever visit with your parents (before social distancing, at least) and find yourself shocked by how disinterested they seem in you their child! and how deeply interested they seem in the Facebook app? Phubbed again!

To be phubbed is to be snubbed by way of the phone (phone + snub = phubbed).

As a pithy portmanteau, it never quite caught on in spite of the coverage it got on lifestyle sites (including this one ). Still, as a human behavior, we see phubbing everywhere, including in our closest relationships.

In a 2017 Baylor University study of 143 people in romantic relationships, 70 percent of participants said that cell phones sometimes, often, very often or all the time interfered in their interactions with their partners. Anyone whos ever had to bite their tongue through dinner with a phone-obsessed friend knows its a sizable problem in platonic relationships, too.

As we slowly ease back into something resembling pre-pandemic life, we can expect to get phubbed all the more by friends, family and co-workers.

What is it about this behavior thats so off-putting? If you care about the person whos ignoring you in favor of their phone, it can feel like a big phub you to you and your precious time.

This behavior is incredibly frustrating because it gives the message that someone or something is more interesting than you, said Jennifer Chappell Marsh , a marriage and family therapist in San Diego. It can feel like outright rejection.

Luckily, there are ways to level with even the worst smartphone offenders. Below, Chappell Marsh and other therapists share what you can do to establish boundaries around phone use with people you care about.

Dont take it personally.

Again, while this may feel like a direct insult to you Am I that boring? Why did you even come out tonight if you were going to be on your phone all night? it usually has nothing to do with you. Look at it as a small personal failing on the part of your pal, not an indictment of how interesting you are.

When you get phubbed, take a deep breath and try to recognize that even though it feels like rejection, its likely more that the partner has an impulse issue, Chappell Marsh said.

Then, the therapist says to very delicately relay your observation to the phubber.

This might sound like, Is everything OK? Im noticing you seem preoccupied with your phone, she offered.