For weeks after my Chinese grandfather died of cancer, we left him an empty seat at the dinner table. He had his own set up that none of us were allowed to touch: chopsticks, a bottle of Tsingtao beer and a dinner plate. For many months after he passed, we ate next to that empty space, in case, we were told, he decided to visit from the spirit realm.

After my Mexican grandfather from my paternal side died of liver disease, my grandmother set up an altar for him. She framed a photo of abuelito next to one she had of the Virgin Mary and Jesus. Each morning, she spoke to him when I visited, I woke up early enough to listen to her hushed supplications. This was not part of our Catholic upbringing, and I suspect our pastor would not have approved. I would hear different people in my family speak to the framed picture of abuelito, so I did, too. Te quiero, Id say to it when no one was looking. Te extrao.

Death is something that we all process in dynamically different ways, but it wasnt until my grandfathers died both in their 60s, both from drinking or smoking too much on opposite sides of the earth that I realized that the death rituals of both of my cultures had some pretty profound things in common. Leaving physical space for them after they had passed was a way for our grieving families, who didnt really have the language to talk about their feelings around death, to extend our loved ones lives. By doing so, we gave ourselves the emotional space to hold onto them until we were finally ready to let go.

Leaving a physical space and speaking to our departed loved ones is not unique to my family, of course. I was born and raised in Mexico City, where every end of October and early November, we celebrate Da de los Muertos. Its believed that the spirits of the dead ancestors come back to visit us on this holiday. This celebration originated from the Aztec belief that after death, our spirits take several years of travel to find a final resting place , and on our way there, we obviously get a little hungry. Thats why besides framed pictures of the dead on altars, youll also find offerings like pan de muerto, a sweet pastry to help sweeten our ancestors navigate post-death life.