Nicole Kidman was feeling low when she won big at the 2003 Academy Awards.

The star shared bittersweet memories of her evening for author Dave Kargers upcoming book 50 Oscar Nights, which is set for release on January 23 and previewed by People in a story published Monday.

Having just finalized her divorce from Tom Cruise at the time, Kidman remembered she was struggling with things in my personal life, yet my professional life was going so well.

The emotions all came to a head when she won the Academy Award for Best Actress for playing Virginia Woolf in The Hours.

Russell Crowe said dont cry when you get up there and now Im crying, Kidman said in her acceptance speech . Making matters worse, she was played off stage by the orchestra before even finishing her thanks.

Afterwards, the Big Little Lies star said she barely had the heart to attend the famed Vanity Fair Oscar soiree.