When I talk about generational traumas, one of the things that I am talking about is how I respond to the police, which trickles down to my sense of safety within this world or rather my survival instinct.

Recently I stayed in the car while my white partner went into the store to purchase something, and I saw some white-on-white* crime happening. My instinct was to duck, and make sure I wasnt seen as a threatening witness. My partner however, saw the commotion from inside the store, and ran out while calling 911. He also got the plates to the car, all while never hiding from the situation. He boldly and insistently stood for his safety and demanded that police protect his sense of security. I on the other hand took to hiding and trying to survive. As I reflected on these differences that entire night, I kept coming back to the conclusion that I grew up knowing

Police do not exist to protect people who lived in working poor neighborhoods, and people who look like me (not white).

I grew up knowing that police were always quick to think that my brown body was threatening but never to assume that my brown body needed protecting. And my white partner grew up thinking police are your first resort when in need.

Also, a white woman robbed me recently. Not a lot of money was taken and my own reflection of that situation was: eso te paso por ser babosa. And I figured out what lessons were to be learned from that situation. I was shook but also I knew I would get over it. I casually told my partner about it, a few hours later, and he immediately called the police. He was also confused as to why I did not tell him immediately, and part of me thought why? I did not get hurt, and another part of me thought, why would anyone call the police?

In my context, where I grew up, if something like those two instances happened to you what you did was get smarter and be more prepared. Police did not need to be involved because police only bring more reminders of how low you are in their priority list.

I do not see police officers as saviors, and I never have. In fact, when I was in first grade I wanted to be a cop. I had just migrated to the USA and during that time I saw my first female cop; I felt a sense of excitement. The idea that I could take care of myself was thrilling. It was not because I understood cops as benevolent caretakers; rather I saw my own ability to take care of myself within this female cop. I wanted to take care of myself because even in first grade I had a gut reaction that told me: survive.

At the end of the day, my partner and I have two very different reactions that affect how we move through the world. He thinks this world should function to his benefit and his safety and when it does not there are resources for him to reach towards to restore that balance. I see this world as deeply dangerous for someone like me: a woman, immigrant, brown person and I have a responsibility to survive. Even today, as I write this from my white suburbs my instincts remain as true as they did when I lived in the hood.

Oppression limits the oppressed, and fear of police officers is a generational trauma that the oppressed cannot unlearn through some strategic propaganda/commercial; rather actions will shift how those in the lower echelons of society responds to law enforcements. Having to explain this to white people, having to make logically sense of your instincts to people who have never experienced this type of generational trauma is like scratching nails on a chalkboard.

To grow up with a survival instinct does not allow some of us to flourish into autonomous persons, and it affects us physically, psychologically, and emotionally. When I talk about generational traumas, one of the things that I am talking about is how I respond to the police. Which trickles down to a sense of safety within this world or rather a sense of survival.

* I use terms like white-on-white crime to highlight the fact that we do not talk about how white people are oftentimes hurting one another rather more about how Black folks bring crimes to themselves, so as to justify dehumanization and murder of Black folks around this country.