I've noticed an odd thing. Every time I talk about being positive -- someone makes fun of me, or stomps the idea down. It's like I can't share the idea of positivity without an angry mob ready to ram my door down and burn the place to the ground. Just the mention of "positive energy" or "positive thinking" sets so many people off that I'm starting to feel inhibited about being publicly positive.

I've come to the place where I have to write a disclaimer before I say something hopeful. I'm no longer secure about delivering a happy message without prefacing it with, "Hey, I know life sucks and we're all garbage, totally deserving of the plagues and locusts that are obviously coming our way," and "I apologize in advance for any projectile vomiting that may be caused by my next thought, but..." and then I'll say whatever uplifting thought that was on my mind.

The truth is -- I'm a really positive person, which tends to conflict with my expressive nature. I'm very extroverted and I like to share stuff, especially good stuff. So why then, are there so many people who flinch at the idea of being positive?

And then it hit me. At some point, positive energy got hijacked by the over-the-top Namaste maniacs, and they overdid it so much that they became this walking, talking psychotic bag of fake. I remember going to a group meeting a few years ago, and there was this one chick there who was so deep into her Namaste routine that if you set her head on fire with a blowtorch and a can of gasoline, she'd just smile blissfully, barf up some twinkly stardust and bless you with her amethyst crystal wand. And when I say, 'blissfully,' I mean so full of shit that one cannot help but want to die just to escape the lie of it all.

I remember looking at her and thinking, "Chick, can you just come down to earth for like, five seconds?" Why this pretense of mega-bliss?

And of course, the mega-blissful do not have conversations; they teach lessons. You don't just engage with the mega-blissful, you get served. These spiritual frauds only speak as if they know it all and have risen above the mundane things in life, so all conversations end with a condescending shit-eating grin and a winky-winky look in the eye that says, "You're still down there with the worms, child. Listen to the universe and perhaps one day, you can join me in mega-bliss. Until then, you've so much work to do. Arise, being of light... I bless you with my magic prayer hands. Namaste, thing."

So, ye olde power of positive thinking has become a thing that can't be shared with others without the creepy Namaste bastardization coming in to ruin it for everyone first. I can no longer say, "It's going to be great day!" without sickening someone. I can no longer say, "Perception is everything!" without someone wondering when I'm going to start blessing them with my woo covered hands.

But I don't want to be squashed down! I don't want the Namaste-ers to fuck with my natural shine, so I found a great way to be positive in spite of the bad rap that positivity's taken on. It's called being real.

The Namaste-ers have made peace of mind and the idea of personal contentment into a goofy joke that nobody can take without a handful of xanax. That's why people flee in terror when others mention positive energy and thinking. Because they fear having their reality whitewashed into some fever dream of self-help slogans. You can't just Namaste your way out of a parking ticket. You have to curse your way out -- it feels so much purer!

I'm a happy person. I like life. And yes, I have suffered and known horrors that are so beyond the beyond that I too could shun all variation of happy thoughts. But right now, my mind works, my body's not failing me and I'm doing OK -- so I make a conscious decision to see things in a positive way.

Yes, I swear like a motherfucker and that feels good too. It all feels good. Every damned bit of this life is precious to me. And if I share my positive outlook, I share it honestly and without pretense.

This is the damage that was caused to positive energy when the holy frauds came to town to anoint us with their good-vibe routine. Poor Namaste; once it was a word that signified peace and pleasant greetings. Now, its just kryptonite. Say it and you have the power to cripple those who really do want to experience something good.

Life is hard. So pretending you're an enlightened being is like a slap in the face to all who strive for honest happiness. And we've really caught on to this fraud, so much so that it's turned us off intensely. Who wants to be fake-happy when there's real happiness to strive for? That's why people roll their eyes when people like me start yacking about great days and the power of a positive outlook -- because we no longer trust that anyone could be that happy. And why? Because there are people walking around in prayer poses, blessing us with their fake smiles and glazed, vacant stares of idiocy.

This is how positive energy got its bad rap. That's why you can't just say, "Have a nice day," any longer without causing someone to flinch. So when I tell you all to have a happy and healthy new year, just... try to deal with it.

I promise you I won't be doling out any blessings.

Happy New Year.