My unsolicited marriage advice?

If youre picking up food for the family and the wife asks you to order her two tacos. She in fact wants Three to Four tacos.

— Kyle Daters (@Millenial_Dads) April 4, 2019

Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair thats 2 feet away from the hamper.

- My husband

— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) April 9, 2019

Not to brag but my wife calls our dog my girlfriend.

— Boyd's Backyard (@TheBoydP) April 3, 2019

Dating dude: Im annoyed this girl stole my hoodie.

Married dude: literally every piece of clothing my wife has on right now was once mine.

— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) April 16, 2019

While digging for keys in my wife's purse, I found five years-worth of missing socks and Tupperware lids.

— Nathan Gregory (@MrGirlDad) April 3, 2019

Reason my husband does the grocery shopping is because I would probably come home with cheese and a llama.

— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) April 7, 2019

Temptation Island, but it's just me and the cookies on the counter while my wife makes dinner.

— C-Rex (@C_Effin_Rex) April 9, 2019

My house has three toilets but only one bathtub. Its time for my bath, and guess which room my husband just defiled?

— Darlin Darla (@Darlainky) April 4, 2019

Husband: Give me one example.

Me: ALL the times.

Husband: Those don't count.

— smerobin (@smerobin) April 11, 2019

[hell]

Me: are you wearing a winter coat?

Wife: *zipping it up* Im kinda cold

— steeve again (@steeve_again) April 9, 2019

Husband: Are you going to change?

Me: I did. As you can CLEARLY see, I have changed into my going out sweat pants.

— Momarazzi. (@Mirimade) April 10, 2019

I'm a good person, BUT:

I'll eat the pint of ice cream and then put the box away with one spoonful left. Just to tease my husband.

— Manic Mama (@JannaKilimnik) April 10, 2019

So my wife doesnt like the new body wash she bought. Ill give you two guesses whos gonna be smelling like kiwi apricot for the next four weeks.

— Gentleman Ghost (@RefinedRevenant) April 10, 2019

They sit on the mall bench, nod silent hellos to each other, gingerly hold the wifes bag as she tries on yet more clothes.

These, my friends, are the true weekend warriors.

— Just J (@junejuly12) April 13, 2019

You're my wife and I love you dearly, were ride or die and we share many things but this charger is mine. Find your own.

— Forward Marc (@RunOldMan) April 15, 2019

HUSBAND: I cant believe youre in your 40s. You look so young.

ME: Nice try. Youre not getting the last piece of pizza.

— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) April 4, 2019

It's not fair to say my wife holds a grudge. She has every right to be angry about that cabinet I left open six years ago.

— Nathan Gregory (@MrGirlDad) April 13, 2019

Hey if anyone has insomnia my husband is available to give a detailed account of how he solved the email issue on my computer.

— SpacedMom (@copymama) April 9, 2019

My husband grabbing my hair in bed...

Except it's just him rolling over onto my ponytail and me not being able to reach over my shoulder to wake him up so he will move.

— Anecdotal Birthcontrol (@PedersenAhmed) April 14, 2019

Me: Lets invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!

Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.

Both: Never again.

Repeat.

— Mummy Bunny (@ThatMummyLife) April 7, 2019

Me: Im the most tired.
Husband: Im the most tired.
Me: Im the most most tired.
Them: Its not a competition.
Married people: Oh, but it is.

— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) April 11, 2019

You'll never truly know how strong your relationship is until you and your husband assemble Ikea furniture together.

— Melanie Gibson (@sugarwits) April 2, 2019

Up until yesterday, my husband thought the term wading pool actually meant "waiting pool".. as in the pool you wait in when the big pool is too full.

— (@milliondollrfam) April 5, 2019

Married sex is like traveling. It takes planning, the conditions need to be right, and everyone has to pee before getting started.

— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) April 13, 2019

Sorry babe, but you cant eat cookies in the gyms sauna and then sweat them out.

-my husband, crushing my dreams

— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) April 2, 2019

Lets get married so instead of drinking and dancing we can spend Friday night at Home Depot and the rest of the weekend in a fight.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 13, 2019

My husband is mad i'm not watching him pack for a work trip so yes marriage is fun

— Elisabeth (@YourMomsucksTho) April 14, 2019

My wife seduced me into the bedroom with Ive got something to show you. Yeah, it was estimates for new bedroom furniture.

— Josh Pivots Slowly (@Tryptofantastic) March 24, 2019

Me: Hey girl-
Wife: No
Me: -are you a tube of toothpaste-
Wife: Please stop
Me: -because I like squeezing you from the bottom.
Wife: Oh. Okay. I like that one.

— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) April 2, 2019