My husband just cancelled the plans wed made for tonight without talking to me first and Ive honestly never been more turned on in my life.

— not the WORST mom (@nottheworstmom) March 3, 2018

Me from my coffin to my husband: Did you take out the recycling?

— SpacedMom (@copymama) March 8, 2018

i married for love

but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored

— Cameron Esposito (@cameronesposito) February 7, 2018

Just regaled my wife with a story about a grocery coupon that should have worked but didnt but then the guy got it to work after all.

Dont tell me the spark is gone.

— Distracted Dad (@Distracted_Dad) February 28, 2018

Me: Hey honey, can you get me a cup of coffee?

Wife: You have legs. Get it yourself.

Me: Our love story should be made into a movie.

— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) February 14, 2018

My wife cleaned the house all day and now we have to go live in a hotel.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 6, 2018

Relationship status: I explained every episode of a Netflix series to my wife after she said she didnt want to watch it with me.

— Boyd's Backyard (@TheBoydP) March 4, 2018

[cleaning out our bedroom]

Me: Half of this stuff is junk we don't need.

Wife: The other half is mine.

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 4, 2018

What makes marriage so different from being single is that when you need emotional support, you have someone right there to tell you to stop talking during their favorite show.

— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) March 1, 2018

[Argument at family dinner]

Wife: *Whispers to me* Dont start taking sides this time.

Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They're too busy yelling to notice.

— M@thew (@TweetPotato314) March 7, 2018

I dont even know the difference between a crockpot and an instapot and theyre still letting me keep my husband and children

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) February 27, 2018

Always be tolerant of your wifes flaws because if she didnt have them, maybe she could have gotten a better husband.

— The Cultured Ruffian (@CulturedRuffian) December 19, 2017

[struggling to hold on to 17 boxes of Girl Scout cookies]

Husband: Why so many?
Me: Well, the Samoa box is for you & the rest are for me.

— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) February 26, 2017

Being a husband is understanding that you can and will get into trouble for something you said in your wifes dream

— Mr. Hook (@Phook75) February 19, 2018

The best thing you can do for your marriage is sleep with separate comforters.

— not the WORST mom (@nottheworstmom) March 9, 2018

*Sees husband and wife neighbor arguing in their driveway*

Husband: We shouldnt be watching them like this.

Me: Youre right. [Goes in house and returns with popcorn and lawn chair.]

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) March 5, 2018

In my town husbands are legally required on Facebook to write a long mushy declaration of love to their wife on her birthday.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 24, 2018

Wife - What are you doing?
Me - Doctor said I should eat three eggs a day.
Wife - I doubt he meant Reese's Eggs.

— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) February 11, 2018

My wife said I cant complain about my bad back if Im not going to do anything about it so I saw a doctor and now I cant wait to complain.

— Boyd's Backyard (@TheBoydP) March 3, 2018

The boys are spending the night away, so my wife and I are planning on spending our evening shooting down each others suggestions on what to do until we fall asleep watching Chopped reruns.

— Distracted Dad (@Distracted_Dad) March 9, 2018

Wife and I have reached that age where foreplay is just us describing things we'd probably do to each other if we weren't so achy.

— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) March 9, 2017

Wife: *hoarsely* I'm losing my voice.

Me: I guess you can't yell at me anymore.

Wife:

She's scarier when she's quiet.

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) February 28, 2018

Before you marry someone, sit next to them on the couch and try to watch your favorite show while they eat a bowl of cereal.

If you still want to marry that slurping animal, congratulations- you have found your person.

— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) February 26, 2018

How can my wife's hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?

— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) December 4, 2014

RELATIONSHIP STATUS:

My wife just shushed me while watching "Diners, Drive-ins & Dives."

— Rhea Butcher (@RheaButcher) April 1, 2017

Wife just said "burgs" instead of "burgers" and now I'm a little scared to think of what she's going to do with all the time she saved.

— The St. Louisan (@thestlouisan) February 23, 2016

How much did that cost?
I got a good deal on it.

- married couples

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) February 24, 2018

Thank you for cleaning the kitchen, but you didn't do it right.

~Another love note for my husband

— Mommy Thoughts (@momthoughts13) February 24, 2018

My wife wants to buy an organizer for our wrapping paper, it sounds made up but its making her happy

— The Dad (@thedad) March 6, 2018

[paint store]

WIFE: Which color do you like?
ME: Either one.
WIFE: Help me decide.
ME: Theyre both nice.
WIFE: Cmon.
ME: It doesnt matter to me.
WIFE: Pick one.
ME: Whatever makes you happy.
WIFE: Theres no wrong answer.
ME: Okay, THAT one.
WIFE: Really? That ones awful!

— Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) March 9, 2018

I used to be happily married...but then we went furniture shopping together.

— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) March 8, 2018

Get ready for marriage by asking your girlfriend/boyfriend to make you a fruit smoothie, then get mad that you cant hear the TV while theyre making you a fruit smoothie.

— rule follower (@ericsshadow) February 25, 2018