When someone hands you a brochure on the sidewalk, it's like what they're really saying is "Here, you throw this away."

— Caira Conner (@CairaConner) August 17, 2015

"Why does my body hurt?" "Am I ever going to have money to buy a house?" "Is Diplo hot?" "Are all politicians evil?" - my brain on rotation

— Gaby Dunn (@gabydunn) August 17, 2015

I love it when I actually get a dentist appointment for two-thirty! Because that's a convenient time for me.

— Kristy Grant (@kristygee) August 18, 2015

A penny saved is a penny that will spend eternity at the bottom of my purse collecting lint

— Abby Williams (@gabigailgilliam) August 19, 2015

I'm stuck somewhere between meh and nah, but closer to nah.

— Naci Triedziela (@crazytraci72) August 16, 2015

Friend: [showing baby photos] Me: Ah yes, very baby

— moody monday (@mdob11) August 15, 2015

"Oooooooo I hope my breakfast comes with a piece of limp decorative lettuce." - No one ever

— Carbosly (@Carbosly) August 16, 2015

Jared Fogle: "How about that Josh Duggar guy having an Ashley Madison account?" Everyone else: "Don't even try."

— Melissa Stetten (@MelissaStetten) August 19, 2015

There is no faster way to get on my shit list than to tell me to "calm down"

— Mara Wilson (@MaraWritesStuff) August 19, 2015

I imagine one person saying the first and then a second person asking the next three with increasing incredulity pic.twitter.com/FTj7TLe3jr

— not olga lexell (@runolgarun) August 17, 2015

The last time I looked into someone's eyes it was 12 years ago and it was a cat

— AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) August 18, 2015

Going to open a quaint little book shop and have a niche section called "Men's Interests" where we shelve the Western canon.

— Alana Massey (@AlanaMassey) August 20, 2015

"Fries or salad on the side?" is waitress-speak for "PICK THE KIND OF WOMAN YOU ARE IN 1 SECOND, GO"

— Anna Breslaw (@annabreslaw) August 14, 2015

yo this new pharmacist is hardcore hitting on me. he must've seen birth control AND anti-depressants and was like "HELL YEAH SIGN ME UP"

— Alexis Wilkinson (@OhGodItsAlexis) August 20, 2015

"this will not stand!!" -person holding infant

— rachel axler (@rachelaxler) August 15, 2015

I think I am too sensitive about my tastes for Spotify's Discover Weekly

— Katie Heaney (@KTHeaney) August 19, 2015

Some truly Oscar-worthy performances happen when women try to convince other women of how good they feel on this amazing new diet no really.

— Chloe Angyal, PhD (@ChloeAngyal) August 18, 2015

People who go right past my cute dogs without acknowledging them when we're out for a walk: Were you born a monster or did it happen later?

— side-eye spice (@goldengateblond) August 19, 2015

People say there is no set of feelings quite like having a child but I have had my food arrive at a restaurant so

— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) August 16, 2015

Wherever all my ponytail holders are, I hope they're happy

— Emma Gray (@emmaladyrose) August 19, 2015

HEY. There's an intruder in the house. *10 secs later* HEY. That same guy is in the house. HEY. HEY! Still here. --my dog re: the cable guy

— Elle Oh Hell (@ElleOhHell) August 21, 2015