*bends down to pick socks up off the floor. twerks* *bends down to get grapes from bottom shelf of fridge. twerks*

— Tracy LaFway Clayton (@brokeymcpoverty) September 1, 2015

"How can I ruin a thing everyone loves?" -- the person who invented macaroni salad

— Heben Nigatu (@heavenrants) September 1, 2015

congrats on your engagement 2 people viewed my linkedin profile this week so things are lookin good over here as well

— Ali Vingiano (@alivingiano) August 30, 2015

REAL WORLD MATH PROBLEM: 3 people are hanging out, 2 of them are checking their phones, how long before the 3rd person takes out their phone

— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) September 3, 2015

If Netflix and chill means wanna come hook up then what do you say if you want to actually Netflix and chill (way better)

— Caro (@socarolinesays) August 30, 2015

Exactly which street is Idris Elba too and when can I move to that street

— Jess Zimmerman (@j_zimms) September 1, 2015

(Sits bolt upright in the middle of the night) Holy shit is Taylor Swift ruining girl gangs

— Erin Gloria Ryan (@morninggloria) September 2, 2015

I like to think that somewhere in LA right now Justin Bieber is still attached to a harness, crying.

— Annie Stamell (@stamos) September 1, 2015

*slaps new relationship out of ex's hands* No

— moody monday (@mdob11) September 2, 2015

thanks for letting everyone know you'd prefer to eat alone by bringing tuna to the office

— lauren ashley bishop (@sbellelauren) September 2, 2015

Just tried to retweet my own tweet and now I know what it feels like to be Kanye.

— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) September 1, 2015

Him: I like you Me: I like when my blinker syncs up with my music

— Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) August 31, 2015

I asked my cat if I'm passive aggressive and she ignored me. I hope I don't forget to feed her tonight.

— June O'Hara (@juneohara65) September 1, 2015

"Can you not?" -me to the work week

— Emma Gray (@emmaladyrose) September 2, 2015

after a lifetime of wallet sized school pics, selfies and laptop photo booth, I just saw my face on a 27-inch mac screen and nearly screamed

— Jazmine Hughes (@jazzedloon) August 31, 2015

I am in the presence of the most majestic man bun I have ever encountered. Pray for me

— Anna Breslaw (@annabreslaw) September 3, 2015

"Dogs are assholes" DOG PERSON: YOU'RE an asshole! "Cats are assholes" CAT PERSON: Yeah

— Mara Wilson (@MaraWritesStuff) September 3, 2015

I'm only up because I'm afraid if I get any more beauty sleep you will all worship me as your queen and I'm too modest for that life.

— Sara Benincasa (@SaraJBenincasa) September 3, 2015

Today at the grocery store I fell, crushing 2 bags of chips and breaking a jar of salsa. The good news is I was wearing my shirt inside out.

— Quinn Sutherland (@ReelQuinn) September 2, 2015

"The last possible thinkpiece," she whispered hitting send on "MRAs: Feminist Heros" collapsing the internet in on itself, swallowing us all

— maura quint (@behindyourback) September 3, 2015