Listening to Donald Trump speak is very inspirational honestly. You miss 100% of the sentences you don't make

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adulthood is emailing \"sorry for the delayed response!\" back and forth until one of you dies

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my ideal presidential candidate is humble, open, and teachable so hahahahahahahah

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when ppl win awards and say \"to my friends, u know who you are\" what if their friends are like \"??? no motherfucker i don't, say my name!!!\"

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People of #SuperTuesday states! Don't forget to vote! Unless you're voting for a nutjob in which case, Super Tuesday is next Wednesday.

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*buys vegan soup*
*puts cheese on it*

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I'd love to say I'm one of those people who start the day with sun salutations. In reality, it's with coffee and Prozac.

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you ever been so tired you cant finish a sen

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My #LeapDay wish is to get zero more emails about how women are \"allowed\" to propose today

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\"FOUR MORE YEARS! FOUR MORE YEARS!\"-Leap Day

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You get an extra day* this year!

*Monday. You get an extra Monday this year.

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my ex just posted on facebook about how disgusting it is that they're making a new ghostbusters pic.twitter.com/h7InlIUhUy

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America is like the latest episodes of Game Of Thrones in that nerds who read all the books have no idea what the fuck is going on anymore

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This is it. This is the cup of coffee that will make me interesting.

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only goal i have left in life is to sing beyonc's \"i'm in my penthouse half naked\" line & have it be true

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It is Super Tuesday and Justin Bieber's birthday, so please present all your election commentary in the form of Bieber lyrics.

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Life's too short to not eat the [insert dessert here].

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Oh The Passwords You'll Save!

a book by Dr. Seuss about my dating life

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Donald Trump has no political experience. Meanwhile you need 5 years experience for an entry level management position at Chili's

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It's clear that Donald Trump is the kind of lover who wouldn't honor a safe word.

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