wow I was in a great mood but now im just mad at everyone who didn't tell me fivel goes west is on netflix

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If ABC thinks I'm going to suddenly start watching \"The Bachelorette\" just to see men fighting over a black woman they are absolutely right.

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Concept: me perhaps not becoming irritated by every fucking little thing

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ARE YOU EATING ENOUGH CHEESE? ILU
- me, just checking up on my friends

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I don't carry pepper spray, but I do carry a list of things that aren't going well in my life that should earn me the pity of any assailants

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When it's New Hair Monday and my coworkers have questions. pic.twitter.com/JH8JRXbFV7

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Finally figured out how to induce panic attacks in women: get them high and put on the Handmaid's Tale.

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hello, so nice to google you for the first time

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Justin Trudeau looks like The Bachelor and Macron has just stolen him away for a second. pic.twitter.com/tXLdSrD02j

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Chopped shows you can make something out of anything so when I ran out of strawberry jam I melted some gummy bears and made a kitchen fire.

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*invited to a networking event*

Me: Fake my death go to Cuba that's the only option

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Passport stamps but for every state you have a panic attack in

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I take work smoke breaks outside a yoga/barre studio called EXHALE bc I'm committed to irony

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[gets out of bed]
[pours a tall, cold glass of Haterade]
[takes a generous swig]
AHHHHH GOOD MORNING WORLD! READY TO FACE THE DAY

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You can tell a lot about a girl by who looks better in the photos she posts for your birthday.

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I can either be on time for things or I can look good, you cannot expect both.

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Me: If you could only bring one thing with you to a desert island, what would it be?
7yo: Uh. Earth.

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RT if you've ever sung \"Thank you for being my cat\" to your pet to the tune of the Golden Girls theme song.

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TV Guy: \"Here's our subject in her natural environment, foraging for food.\"

*Camera cuts to me on the couch, finding an almond in my bra*

Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) May 23, 2017","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"Abby Heugel","author_url":"https://twitter.com/AbbyHasIssues","cache_age":86400,"description":"TV Guy: "Here's our subject in her natural environment, foraging for food." *Camera cuts to me on the couch, finding an almond in my bra*— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) May 23, 2017\n","provider_name":"Twitter","title":"Abby Heugel on 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\"Never trust the children of real estate developers\" is the primary lesson of both this administration and the Fyre Festival.

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