hobbies include:

1. going to bed at a reasonable hour
2. canceling plans

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A 3-hour Affleck brothers epic about one small Massachusetts town and how the Dunkin' Donuts name change affects each of its residents.

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When you order room service and they say, \"So this is for two people?\" pic.twitter.com/JZZDr1eLG5

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I consider my overt use of exclamation marks an act of feminism

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I'm at an event and I'm standing behind shaq. I can't see anything. I might as well of stayed home

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the statue of liberty put me in the friend-zone so im gonna go doxx my mom

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Have we tried giving him a light up fidget spinner? That might buy us some time to figure things out.

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If you drink three glasses of wine without eating dinner it feels sorta like having your own dragons.

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How to make the threat of nuclear doom seem less important: wake up with a spider knotted in your hair after tangling itself to death.

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1. Here's the deal. I believe in my heart that spiders are just large ants with pretzel stick legs tied to them. This is my OWN conclusion.

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me deleting the oxford comma from a post so it meets the character limit pic.twitter.com/RkTYwzLyBz

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Convinced that 20% of being an adult is just replying \"got it, thanks so much!\" to emails.

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who can afford to have chill anymore

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Age 10: I'm going to be a rockstar
Age 20: I might learn an instrument someday
Age 30: I hope a piano lands on me

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\"I don't get along with other women, they just don't like me, I get along better with men. All my closest friends are men\"
Me: pic.twitter.com/6SCHRRifSn

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(Throws book on Watergate across room, sighs heavily, opens book on Hiroshima)

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What's worse, the threat of Nuclear War or my husband discovering he can still play Hot Cross Buns on his recorder from 3rd grade?

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one of those kid leashes, but for the president

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oh no in all this commotion I forgot to obtain a beach body

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Coworker: [sees me eating a Lunchable] Lunchables are for kids.

Me: [under my breath as he's walking away] That's some Lunchabullshit.

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