I still think there should be a Grammy category for "Best to Play 438 Times in a Row as a Declaration of War on a Roommate"

— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) January 29, 2018

my roommate just told my other roommate that she's the worst roommate ever. That puts me in the clear!!

— Fraidy Bleedstich (@katietiedrich) February 19, 2014

My roommate just described an acapella performance as "one of the best things [he'd] ever seen," and I changed the locks.

— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) January 23, 2014

great day to play the classic game, Is My Roommate Dead or Does He Just Have Off for This Weird Holiday and Therefore Has Been Sleeping for 12 hours

— What We Do-nnelly in the Shadows (@timdonnelly) October 14, 2019

Willy, I used your foam roller... #roommates pic.twitter.com/4aw2KjMrZi

— Adam Osuna (@aosuna87) June 26, 2018

im so unbothered, im so unbothered, yall be so pressed while im raising daughters - a beyonc lyric about me watering my roommates plants while shes away

— hunter harris (@hunteryharris) July 25, 2019

My roommate just asked me "how boiling" water has to be before it cooks something. I answered, "7".

— The Guy (@theguydf) March 25, 2014

my roommate just tried to make a bread bowl by hollowing out an entire baguette and he spilled clam chowder on my dog

— Bris Angel (@Cryptoterra) May 18, 2015

How the fuck do people live alone? My roommates been gone for a week and Ive started to have full conversations with my dogs after a full bottle of wine. Then getting upset when they dont answer me. Like all I wanna know is whos a good boy.

— nicole byer (@nicolebyer) August 9, 2018

My roommate just broke up with his girlfriend that cooks for us

— Nungua Burnaboy (@Views09) August 22, 2019

Roommate: which one of you stuffed starburst wrappers between the couch cushions?

Me: pic.twitter.com/2b3RQEGOsZ

— Jinkx Monsoon (@JinkxMonsoon) October 3, 2019

DUDE my roommate just cut his hand open cutting onions because he put on sunglasses so he wouldn't cry as much, but HE JUST COULDNT SEE

— Michael J. Murphy (@MikeyMurphy) November 1, 2016

me to my roommate when he asks where his leftovers went https://t.co/2KgFmI8G5a

— JuanPa (@jpbrammer) June 28, 2019

My roommate just finished her 1.5 hour shower and apologized, saying it was "soooo theraputic".

Honestly, actual therapy would be cheaper.

— Jules Suzdaltsev (@jules_su) August 30, 2017

my roommate just started singing I cant make you love me in the shower do u guys think I can make it back with chardonnay and 6 ice cream sandwiches before she gets out I think this is code red

— ellie schnitt (@holy_schnitt) September 13, 2019

My roommates are having sex with their door open someone HELP ME

— teyquerisi (@wastednun) July 29, 2016

bad news for your roommate's parents https://t.co/qhIruY3bwg

— Marc (@MarcSnetiker) January 15, 2019

when I was 23 I had a roommate who was 30 and I remember thinking what a dumb piece is shit she was for not having her life together so anyway Im 34 and well I think you know where Im going from here

— bez (@Bez) September 7, 2018

Sure your boyfriend texts you "Good morning" and "Goodnight" every day, but my roommate says "Sup" when he finally emerges from his room/lair to use the bathroom and then "See ya" when he leaves for work 15 minutes later

— Jenny Hart (@jennyjhart) October 11, 2019

I had a roommate in college for a semester who sold weed so I relate to Pusha T's music on a level a lot of y'all can't relate to.

— Beyonce has an uncle named Larry Beyince. Bruh.... (@DragonflyJonez) May 25, 2018

i love my roommate because im having a bad day and as we were talking about it she laughed and a booger LITERALLY FLEW out of her nose and landed on my face and now i feel better

— Sara Cody (@sara_pearaa) October 15, 2019

Gave my roommate $300 to go towards a couch for our living room and she comes home with this? pic.twitter.com/SOxFrhdCeS

— Damnryn North (@kammiko17) October 11, 2019

living w roommates month 1: i bought us a new rug and some plants! dont worry about paying me its for all of us :)

month 6: can u venmo me 37 cents for using my ketchup

— eric curtin (@_ericcurtin) March 18, 2019

My roommate just sneezed the cutest sneeze but we are not on sneeze-complimenting terms and I feel shackled in the prison of my own doubt.

— shelby fero (@shelbyfero) March 19, 2015

My flatmate eats boiled chicken with no seasoning and HE'S scared of ME

— tay (@Tay_mp3) November 9, 2017

Roommate has date coming by later and asked me to clean bc he's not home. So I made a Princess D shrine in his room pic.twitter.com/wfOeVUm7yW

— Deno DeMartino (@Deno_Tron) July 1, 2017

my favorite part of working from home is when my roommate doesn't realize i'm here and i get to hear her telling my cats she's their real mom

— anna borges (@annabroges) March 7, 2018

Best part of having a roommate is seein a jury duty notice in ur mail slot, sayin "oh god no" then realizin it's not 4 u. @heyKQ im so sorry

— Anna Drezen (@annadrezen) April 1, 2016

This is Marley. She is my roommates boyfriends dog but she sleeps with me at night so they can have sex. It is a great situation for everyone involved. pic.twitter.com/qTeJdTYlJL

— Andy Herren (@AndyHerren) October 12, 2019

My roommate just condescendingly asked me if I know how to run the DISHWASHER like bitch

— Michaela Okland (@MichaelaOkla) January 22, 2018

pranked my roommate so good pic.twitter.com/cFgwA1R5cK

— Gus Down South Johnson (@Gusbuckets) October 14, 2019

Please don't be that roommate who leaves just a little toilet paper so they don't have to be the one to get a new roll.

— Alejandro Hernandez (@alejandro_mhr) October 8, 2019

Me to my roommate. pic.twitter.com/3fJ2KPAzu7

— amanda jean persaud (@amanda_p) February 12, 2016

The hardest part of having a roommate is convincing them that it's normal for their orange juice & shampoo to suddenly run out twice as fast

— Ali Spagnola (@alispagnola) September 14, 2015

Having a roommate is like being a detective and all your mysteries have one suspect

— Quinton ReSPOOKS (@Q_Review) March 7, 2019