tinder dude: what are you doing up at 3am

me: heartburn

— dream ghoul (@TheDreamGhoul) February 12, 2018

First date idea: go through each others Google browse histories

Me: has to explain why I Google zucchini so often

— Jodi (@jodi_payne) February 12, 2018

Who wants to date me. We will look at online menus but no talking or kissing.

— Noodles (@Dawn_M_) February 10, 2018

Spooning: Washing every spoon until they are extra shiny. #SingleValentinesPlans

— David E (@DaSkrambledEgg) February 12, 2018

[sees hot girl in bar]

me: [takes wedding ring off] so... do you come here often?

her: give me back my ring

— Marf (@MarfSalvador) February 8, 2018

[end of date]
Him: I'll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I'll just sit here in your car until you do.

— Jedi Cheesy Grits (@JediGigi) April 25, 2016

Relationship status: stopped shaving one leg so it feels like Im rubbing my smooth leg against a man at night.

— majjie (@illuminateddino) February 9, 2018

Here, read this article about wealth and income inequality.

*me, flirting

— Johnny Appleseed (@Enjoneer01) February 3, 2018

[speed-dating]

ME: wanna see a magic trick?

HER: sure!

ME: yikes *writes "27 years old and still believes in magic" in notebook*

— The Hyperdrive (@TheHyyyype) February 5, 2018

When your crush was really waving at the person behind you, and your face carefully freezes to hold back the tears pic.twitter.com/dn8qRuZ4tR

— Pigeon Fancier (@isabelzawtun) May 1, 2017

[FIRST DATE]
HIM: Im really into mac
ME: aroni and cheese?
HIM: ...macroeconomics.
ME:
HIM:
ME:
HIM:
ME:
HIM:
ME:
ME:
ME: is that also pasta

— erin chack (@ErinChack) February 12, 2018

Hate group pics on tinder when you have no idea which one it is pic.twitter.com/YIFonesqNR

— Olivia (@OliviaKingaby_) February 12, 2018

[First date]

Him: Ive always loved sailing and the theater.

*Flashback to me falling off the roof trying to reenact the Im flying scene from Titanic*

Me: Same.

— CJ (@BrassBallsCJ) February 13, 2018

Sometimes I call Comcast and add sports channels just so I can pretend to have a boyfriend.

— Jedi Cheesy Grits (@JediGigi) June 12, 2015

[Speed dating]

HER: I'm really into astronomy

ME: the moon follows me when I drive

— Qwerty Jones (@QwertyJones3) November 14, 2017

*on a first date*

ok dont let them know i stalked them online

them: my aunt--

me: theresa or sharon

— Female Struggles (@FemaleStruggIes) February 8, 2018

[First Date]
Her: *to waiter* Can I ask what the Chef recommends?
Waiter: He recommends you leave now. You can do way better than this *nods towards me*
Me: What the actual fuck?

— Brynnester (@brynnester) February 5, 2018

[date]

HER: I absolutely love Star Wars

ME: Oh me too

HER: What's your favorite part?

ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war

— Floyd (@dafloydsta) March 1, 2017

[First date at a restaurant]

Her: "I'm a big supporter of charities."

Me: *trying to impress* "I didn't bring my wallet with me."

— Ian Sausage (@stephenjmolloy) February 11, 2018

Its like this waiter doesnt even realize hes my date now.

— Darla (@ddsmidt) February 8, 2018

A gated community for lonely millennial women who've given up on men called Cat City Bitch

— Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) July 30, 2016

"This is where the magic happens," I whisper to my burrito.

— batkaren (@batkaren) January 24, 2018

[first date]

Me: what are u binge watching?

Him: oh i don't have Netflix

Me: *gesturing for waiter: check please

— Olive Gravy (@offbeatoliv) February 9, 2018