Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.

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romaine lettuce hasnt been called back in a minute. im glad she got her life together

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me telling my computer ill update everything tomorrow pic.twitter.com/5NIGfcJfB7

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21: excited for shots!!!!
2021: excited for shots!!!!!

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[eating probiotic yogurt while on antibiotics]
okay now battle

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me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?

some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct \"the sea\"

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When covids over!! Sounding a lot like yesss we need to hang soon! these days

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\"I don't see race!! I don't care whether you're pic.twitter.com/RZCgrqAiHy

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has anyone else not been to the dentist since Covid and also not for the five years before that

Ely Kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) March 3, 2021","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"Ely Kreimendahl","author_url":"https://twitter.com/ElyKreimendahl","cache_age":86400,"description":"has anyone else not been to the dentist since Covid and also not for the five years before that Ely Kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) March 3, 2021\n\n","options":{"_maxwidth":{"label":"Adjust width","placeholder":"220-550, in px","value":""},"_theme":{"value":"","values":{"dark":"Use dark theme"}}},"provider_name":"Twitter","title":"Ely Kreimendahl on 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nooooo i just sent an email that said as you mentioned in your precious email instead of previous email. sick at myself

Beth McColl (@imteddybless) March 2, 2021","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"Beth McColl","author_url":"https://twitter.com/imteddybless","cache_age":86400,"description":"nooooo i just sent an email that said as you mentioned in your precious email instead of previous email. sick at myself Beth McColl (@imteddybless) March 2, 2021\n\n","options":{"_maxwidth":{"label":"Adjust width","placeholder":"220-550, in px","value":""},"_theme":{"value":"","values":{"dark":"Use dark theme"}}},"provider_name":"Twitter","title":"Beth McColl on 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One thing bout my mama, she gonna get the name of something wrong.

Her: Giiiiirl I was watching \"I Don't Care.\"
Me: You mean, \"I Care A Lot.\"

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Genderless bathrooms but one for pooping and one for peeing

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I was a camp counselor the year Pitch Perfect came out and I cant tell you how bad it was. We had to ban empty cups.

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i want to be the first black woman to accept an award, majorly stoned in a hoodie pic.twitter.com/PO7cBD9mrR

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Im the wrong friend to ask about saving money lmao. Ima always tell you to buy because tomorrow isnt promised

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I don't want to work 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday I want to lie on a rock in the sun like a lizard

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being a sleepy girl with a busy life is so hard

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good morning, my ex unblocked me to inform me i need to stop telling the internet he looks like the caterpillar from bug's life

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normalize leaving after the first red flag, i wont do it, but you guys should

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wtf is a conclusion paragraph. just stop reading

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