if you hear me telling the same story twice just let it go. i only have like six memories and they all take turns

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Im sooooo stressed out for the person driving that stuck Suez Canal boat. Imagine the entire world watching you park your car? Humiliating stuff

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Being vaccinated pic.twitter.com/jvaZS68jgh

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I am NOT embarrassed about the number of guys I've slept with. I am obviously embarrassed about the quality.

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gas pump: please see the cashier
me: absolutely not

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What conditioner is this pic.twitter.com/PSnuTRBo7h

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Sooo hot when a guy has a big weird chocolate factory and is not afraid to discipline other peoples children

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\"cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad\" is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand

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please do not pit two women against each other and by two women i mean me five minutes ago and me right now

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I believe in annoyed at first sight.

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holding an iud up to a baby like you hold a crucifix up to a vampire

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This just went up around the corner and I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS. pic.twitter.com/6iQigFQco5

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Just a pitch, but we could fix pretty much every problem in two weeks if we put a committee of oldest daughters in charge

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My issue with exercise is you have to keep doing it

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me: this edible is trash

me 25 mins later: pic.twitter.com/Ps3YmYEeAp

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Wearing lip gloss under my mask is proof I only ever did it for myself

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See you all at the next climate strike:) https://t.co/4zgekg5gd0

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after years of bitcoin and reddit short selling and credit default swaps and a million other things i dont understand its so refreshing to hear that global commerce is in peril because a big boat got stuck in a canal

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Remember the ex you wanted to marry??
Lets all laugh together pic.twitter.com/kOpG5VyWWy

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the year-long gap on my resume? oh, i can explain that. i was just walking around

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