Marriage is essentially two people taking turns pushing down the top of the kitchen garbage so they don't have to take it out.

— Ian Mendes (@ian_mendes) May 20, 2016

87% of married sex starts with someone pausing House Hunters.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 3, 2016

My wife & I just snoozed 2 separate alarm clocks for 2.5 hrs. This is the exact relationship I hoped for.

— Cameron Esposito (@cameronesposito) May 18, 2016

When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?

— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) December 30, 2015

Wife: We need milk, eggs, and bread. Write it down.

Me: No need. I'll remember.

[an hour later]

Wife: What did you buy?

Me: A panda.

— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 6, 2016

"I was just about to do that chore that I see you're starting now"

- Marriage

— Zack (@Mr_Kapowski) May 10, 2016

It was while watching husband eat 9 hard-boiled eggs in one sitting that I realized I'd achieved my childhood dream of marrying Gaston.

— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) May 15, 2016

Marriage is basically shouting the word DOG at each other whilst out when you see a dog and acknowledging that it is indeed, a good dog.

— TechnicallyRon (@TechnicallyRon) April 10, 2016

me: HONEY COME DOWN to THE BASEMENT!
wife: are u dressed as Pickachu again?
me: NO NO, ITS AN EMERGENCY
wife: ok
me: pic.twitter.com/iFzsSOMQuZ

— Mr. Peel (@Rlpihl) May 13, 2016

[in bed]

Me: I like the sound of that. What are you doing under those covers?

Wife: Stirring mac and cheese.

Me: oh hell yeah

— Rock (@TheMichaelRock) April 14, 2016

*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we - stop screaming, it's just me- are we out of Cheetos?

— Josh (@iwearaonesie) February 24, 2016

Nothing in life can prepare you for how much of marriage is spent just listening to someone cough.

— beth likes cake, so (@bourgeoisalien) May 3, 2016

Most of your time being married is spent saying, "I never heard you say that."

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) May 11, 2016

You: *opens mouth to say something

Me: "Shh, baby, I really don't feel like arguing right now."

-marriage

— Scorpicpanda (@scorpicpanda) March 20, 2016

[watching a video of melted cheese being poured on food]
Husband: Whatcha doing?
Me: PORN

— Jenn (@heyevergreen) April 17, 2016

My wife & I are pretty sure if we make coffee, we can stay awake to watch a movie after 9 PM. So yeah, I'd say we keep it lit.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 16, 2016

Before I got married I didn't realize "What do you want to watch?" was a rhetorical question

— Josh (@iwearaonesie) May 16, 2016

That moment when you turn a corner and scare the hell out of each other and then you both get mad like it was on purpose.

- Marriage

— Downtime Dad (@DowntimeDad) May 6, 2016

You take the good, you take the bad, you took the leftovers, now I'm mad.

-The Facts of Wife

— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) December 3, 2015