Were having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.

— Mediocre Mom (@MediocreMamaa) March 19, 2023

Today is our anniversary. If the schedule works out, my wife and I will have a romantic dinner from the concession stand at our daughters softball game.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 16, 2023

Hello. I'd like to report a felony. I sent my husband out to get supplies for a charcuterie board and he came back without any cheese.

— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) April 6, 2023

Me to anyone else: "it's in that cabinet"

Me to my husband:
"it's in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It's bright green. It's right there. IT'S RIGHT THERE"

— Marl la la la lala la la (@Marlebean) May 25, 2023

My in laws are visiting and I feel like my mother in law is much too smug for someone whos son Im still raising.

— Tori Fletcher (@hellotorifletch) October 15, 2023

Me, calling my wife 1 day into her 2-week business trip: Do I like soup?

— The Dad (@thedad) January 4, 2023

my husband said the way the new bathroom fan works is interesting and i said is it though? and now hes explaining in full detail as i prepare to hurl myself into the sun

— nika (@nikalamity) June 26, 2023

Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?

Me: no, is he any good?

— Boog (@bewgtweets) December 10, 2023

me: "i was watching a video about different faces, and it said that you're either a rat or a frog, and i ---"

husband: "oh you're a rat. you're a super rat."

me:

husband: "......it's cute!!! a cute rat! like a little mouse!"

— emily (@emilykmay) December 16, 2023

My favorite thing is climbing into bed after a long day to find that my husband has stolen the very pillow he assured me he did not want when I offered to buy it for him

— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) November 21, 2023

My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence

I dont know what he wants from me but whatever it is hes going to get it

— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) September 2, 2023

Husband: On a scale of 1 to 10, how much does it annoy you when I...

Me: 10

— Jacana Mommy (@jacanamommy) September 4, 2023

I borrowed one of my husbands jackets and I was able to fit MY ENTIRE water bottle in the pocket. Men are given so much in this world.

— Alyssa Leader (@alittleleader) November 3, 2023

Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card.

— A Dad Influence (@gbergan) November 28, 2023

marriage is a sacred union between a person who drinks water and another person who refills their water for them and also their own

— ig: @shereenshafi (@shereeny) June 20, 2023

good news - I'm not dying of scarlet fever, I just didn't realize that the wife had turned on the heated car seats

— Dad Moon Rising (@raoulvilla) December 14, 2023

Marriage is like, I cant believe you would do this and this is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) March 17, 2023

My wife: *builds a pillow fort around her* I need all these pillows for sound sleep

Also my wife: Why dont you ever cuddle

— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) April 2, 2023

There are two types of people: Those who get to the airport four hours early and still worry about missing their flight, and those who think the final boarding call is a good time to go grab Starbucks, and they marry each other.

— Mediocre Mom (@MediocreMamaa) June 13, 2023

Turns out, marriage *is* hard. My husband just cooked a lasagna for 70 minutes in an oven that wasnt on.

— Carissa is in Barbie Mode (@CarissasNewLife) October 24, 2023

My husband and I are going away for the weekend. He just came downstairs and asked me if he needed to pack restaurant clothes. He is 55 years old.

— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) October 13, 2023

My husband forgot the term frat guys and just called them sorority bros and Im going to need a minute

— meghan (@deloisivete) October 5, 2023

Me: If you could sleep with --

Wife: Ryan Reynolds!

Me: --the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.

— Jew in a Canoe (@WillieHandler) December 7, 2023

*Me dressing up*

Me: Do these match? I dont want to look stupid.

Wife: Well, that ship has sailed.

— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) June 27, 2023

Engaging in marital warfare by loudly stirring my yogurt in a glass jar to retaliate against my husband for offensively slurping his cereal.

— SpacedMom (@copymama) October 4, 2023

My wife is wrapping Christmas gifts, so our dog and I have to go in the other room because "we don't know how to act around gift wrap rolls."

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) December 16, 2023

My wife: *walks into the bedroom*

Me, snapping out of a trance: Oh thank god youre here, I was about to get into a fight with the men in the comments on a WNBA post.

— Heather Hogan (@theheatherhogan) September 26, 2023

I have this kind of kinky fantasy where my husband and I are both in our kitchen at the same time and it doesnt feel claustrophobic.

— @benjaminjs.bsky.social (@BenjaminJS) March 26, 2023

Im starting to worry about my husbands eyesight. He cant seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.

— Late to the party Laura (@ericamorecambe) October 11, 2023

Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn't funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot

— Nostradadmus (@bigpoppadrunk) July 10, 2023

My husband's back is softer and smoother than mine and frankly I think that should be illegal

— Kona Slater (@KonaSlater) June 26, 2023

*quietly adjusts thermostat*

my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing

— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) June 16, 2023

My wife tripped while she was carrying her Stanley mug and now I have to patch the drywall.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 2, 2023

Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband's beard, how distinguished it's becoming, and think "I DID THAT"

— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) June 7, 2023

my wife is heading out of town for a few days and absolutely fucking ROASTED me pic.twitter.com/nYqnvp1Mq1

— Village Person (@SvnSxty) March 28, 2023

Our dog knows way too many phrases now, so my husband and I have resorted to talking like Victorian nobility to get anything by him. "Have you taken the dog on a brisk adventure recently? Would you escort the canine to the backyard, forthwith? Has he supped yet?"

— Ashley Reisinger (@Awritesinger) April 22, 2023

Help! Im making a playlist to drive to Michigan next week and need upbeat suggestions. My wife recently informed me that the music I like is really depressing and makes her want to pass out.

— lucy bexley (@bexley_lucy) April 21, 2023

my wife tried to kill me by making Maxwell house coffee this morning. Good lord what is that? Dirt and shit?

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) November 10, 2023

My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know Im about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what were arguing about.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) June 4, 2023

When my husband is mad at me,
I point at my wedding ring and whisper forever

— Midge (@mxmclain) January 26, 2023

Was loudly singing "My Cats!" to the tune of "My Girl" right when my husband answered an important phone call so the morning is going great so far.

— @benjaminjs.bsky.social (@BenjaminJS) March 3, 2023

Wife: Can you take the quinoa off the stove?

Me: Sure, can you hold the trash open?

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) February 26, 2023

Im on a business trip and I get this text from my husband, I think the kids have hidden a hotdog in the house, but I cant find it

— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) February 9, 2023

My husband is gaslighting me in the gayest way

Everyone and I mean EVERYONE knows this deep cut single (that no one knows)!

— The Jay Agenda (@JayJurden) February 11, 2023

Husbands on Facebook are like, "look at this hot babe I married," and then they post a picture of their wives looking half dead.

— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) February 7, 2023

my husband *going to the kitchen*: want me to get you ice cream?

me: i already had some

husband: so what do you want me to get you?

me: ......ice cream

— Lil Bit (@LizerReal) January 17, 2023

One day my wife and I were young and wild and now she texts me from one end of the house to bring her a glass of prune juice.

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) March 29, 2023

89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is "We needed to leave five minutes ago."

— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) May 18, 2023

I never really thought about couple's therapy until my husband entered his third week of having a cough.

— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) January 8, 2023

I wish I loved anything as much as my husband loves telling me what time he got up today.*

*(4am)

— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) October 11, 2023