Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So, each week we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
5-year-old: Want to see how many cookies I can eat?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 27, 2020
Me: No.
5: Then don't watch.
Me: Your nails are so pretty someone awesome must have painted your nails
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) January 28, 2020
3: No, you did
Your child will reject the first 3 bananas on the grounds they are too bruised but on receipt of the 4th and perfect banana they will announce they dont like bananas anymore
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) January 27, 2020
- The Law of Bananas
(category: child)
I put apple sauce, instead of apple juice, in my 3-year-old's lunch box today. He came home and said:
— Dborah (@deborahkabwang) January 28, 2020
Don't put that in my lunch box ever again.
Friend: so whats it like parenting a toddler?
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) January 30, 2020
Me: why?
Friend: just curious.
Me: why?
Friend: I dont know nevermind.
Me: why?
Friend:
Me: why?
Friend: hey fuck you man.
Me: yes thats it exactly.
Toddler: get in my spaceship
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) January 28, 2020
Me: so are you flying this thing?
Toddler: ya, we go to space!
Me: *gets in spaceship* so what's your favorite planet?
Toddler: circle!
Me: okay I don't trust her
Behind every photo taken at home is a mom pushing random crap out of the way so her house appears clean.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) January 31, 2020
My 6 y/o son thanked God for Walmart dot com in his bedtime prayers. Weve never used that website. Im going to sleep.
— Bunmi Laditan (@HonestToddler) January 31, 2020
Coworker: Why would you want go to Hawaii by yourself
— Not Another Pinterest Mom (@snarkymomtobe) January 28, 2020
Me: Why would you want anyone to go with you?
Her: your kid, husband...
Me: I said what I said
Lets play a game of Why Did Part Of My Childs Lunch Come Back Home Uneaten Today? Choose one:
— SpacedMom (@copymama) January 28, 2020
A. I didnt have time to finish
B. I didnt notice that was in there
C. It got soggy/brown/warm/cold
D. I dont like [insert food] anymore even though I loved it 2 days ago"
My 4yo thinks I work with a person named Boss. Every morning she tells me have fun at work today with Boss and do good on your projects. I will never correct her.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) January 29, 2020
4yo: How old will I be when our pet guinea pigs get married?
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) January 29, 2020
Me: They dont get married.
4: Why?
Me: Because theyre animals.
4: Why?
Me: Because thats how they were born.
4: Why?
Me: Youll be 6 when they get married.
As a mom of 4 boys, nothing scares me more than when someone opens their backpack & says I need help with this.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) January 28, 2020
daughter: what does DNA stand for?
— *sigh*clops (@aotakeo) January 30, 2020
me: nobody knows sweatheart... nobody knows
And on the 8th day, the Lord realized He actually hated us and gave us kale, Kidz Bop, and waiting in lines.
— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) January 31, 2020
If you enjoy fighting with someone at 7 AM about brushing their teeth I can't recommend parenting highly enough.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 29, 2020
Im just a mom, standing in the shower, praying her toddler doesnt find her.
— TeacherMom (@TweatingForTwo) January 26, 2020
Until I became a parent I didnt know I would be at a club and worried if all the people dancing had taken their flu shots
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) January 29, 2020
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
— Mom On The Rocks (@mom_ontherocks) January 29, 2020
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