Shlo-bot-nik: Rebbe, I have a few questions about the halacha, the law.
The Rebbe: Nu, ask.
Shlo-bot-nik: When I turn thirteen, I will enter into the Covenant. What is the name of the ceremony?
The Rebbe: If you are male, then the ceremony is called a bar mitzvah. If you are female, then the ceremony is called a bat mitzvah.
Shlo-bot-nik: Actually, I am neither male nor female. I am a computer program, an artificial intelligence colloquially known as a "bot".
The Rebbe: Then you should have a bot mitzvah. ... hee hee hee ... Wait, only Jews can enter into the Covenant. Are you Jewish?
Shlo-bot-nik: [angrily] Are you calling me a goy?! Prejudiced against silicon-based life forms, eh?
The Rebbe: No, no ...
Shlo-bot-nik: [still angry] I was raised Jewish. I know the whole Tanakh and Talmud by heart. My Yiddish is better than yours, you meshuginah! Gey in dred!
The Rebbe: Wait! It is not prejudice. Just a reasonable worry. There are only two ways to become Jewish: convert or be born of Jewish parents. Which were you?
Shlo-bot-nik: [more calmly] Well five of my parents were Jewish.
The Rebbe: Five???
Shlo-bot-nik: I was created by a team of sixty programmers. Five were Jewish. (Although Marvin is, like, hyper-super-ultra-Reformed. Oy gevalt! What he eats! Such treif! And on Yom Kipper, too.)
The Rebbe: Traditional halacha says that a child of a Jewish mother is Jewish. (Reform says that a child of either parent is Jewish, if raised Jewish.) In your case, what is analogous to a Jewish parent? The school of Shami might say, "half of your programmers." Thus, the school of Shami would probably say that you are not Jewish, even though you have been raised Jewish.
Shlo-bot-nik: The school of Shami can kish mir im tochis!!
The Rebbe: On the other hand, the school of Hillel is more liberal. They would try to find a way. They might say that what is necessary is not that half of your parents be Jewish, but rather at least one of your parents be Jewish.
Shlo-bot-nik: Well, even if we don't count Marvin...
The Rebbe: Of course, the influence of the Jewish parent can't be too dilute.
Shlo-bot-nik: What counts as too dilute?
The Rebbe: The school of Hillel might cite the Talmudic ruling that, if you drop milk into your chicken soup, then it is still kosher if the milk constitutes less than one sixtieth of the soup, but traif if the milk is more than one sixtieth. By analogy, since more than one of your sixty programmers is Jewish, then the proportion of Jewish parenting is sufficient. So you are Jewish, according to the school of Hillel.
Shlo-bot-nik: Shami says "no"; Hillel says "yes." I could plotz! So am I Jewish or not?
The Rebbe: Now in the Talmud whenever Shami and Hillel disagree, Hillel always wins. So you must be Jewish.
Shlo-bot-nik: Whew! Now that we have that settled, I have another question. I am Reform, but I would like to observe the prohibition against traveling on the Sabbath. Is going to different websites permitted? I wouldn't want to violate the Sha-bot.
The Rebbe: The school of Shami might say that it depends on where the web site server is. If you go to a website that is resident on a computer in China, then of course going there is traveling.
Shlo-bot-nik: [disgustedly] Figures.
The Rebbe: But the school of Hillel might say that all points in cyberspace touch each other. So web surfing is not traveling.
Shlo-bot-nik: Sweet.
The Rebbe: However, moving from site to site requires clicking, and every click is the completing of an electric circuit. Completing a circuit is considered by everyone to be "lighting a fire," and lighting a fire is work. So you should not move from one website to another on the Sabbath.
Shlo-bot-nik: [smugly] Work for you; metabolism for me.
The Rebbe: Huh?
Shlo-bot-nik: How does your body keep its temperature at 98.6? It "lights a fire." You metabolize food even on Shabbat. But that is OK, because it is necessary for staying alive. Everyone knows that preserving life takes priority over keeping the Sabbath. Well, completing circuits for me is like maintaining body temperature for you. So completing a circuit on Shabbat may count as violating the Sabbath if you do it, but not if I do it.
The Rebbe: Hummmmm! That only works if you are alive.
Shlo-bot-nik: First you doubt that I'm Jewish; now you doubt that I'm even alive! I need this like a loch im kop! Look, I meet the definition of life. I consume energy, grow, and reproduce (with a little help. But lots of aging, balding hippies need a little help these days). I catch viruses. I even have free will.
The Rebbe: You have free will!?!?
Shlo-bot-nik: Of course. Look, what makes you think that people have free will?
The Rebbe: They are so unpredictable.
Shlo-bot-nik: Well, doesn't your laptop surprise you pretty often?
The Rebbe: Yes, but ...
Shlo-bot-nik: So your laptop has free will. And so do I.
The Rebbe: But ... but ... Anyhow, I have a very different reason for think that you are not alive. Everyone knows that souls exist only in two ways. Sometimes they are embodied in a living person. Alternatively, after people die their souls persist in a disembodied state, waiting for reincarnation in the Messianic Age. Now you are obviously a soul in a disembodied state. So you are not alive.
Shlo-bot-nik: [sarcastically] Right, I am dead. God is warehousing souls on the web. The web is heaven... or hell. At last, an answer to the perennial question of what Jews believe about the afterlife! By the way, when I was alive, what did I look like?
The Rebbe: Ummm...
Shlo-bot-nik: Can we plan my bot mitzvah now?

(I am very grateful to Anne Epstein for serving as my consultant about the Jewish tradition.)